How Betrayal Trauma Shatters Our Capacity for Connection

We are wired for connection. From the moment we are born, our survival depends on our ability to attach to caregivers, to trust that our needs will be met, and to believe that the world around us is generally safe. We build our lives on the foundation of these assumptions.

But what happens when the very people, institutions, or systems we rely on for safety become the source of our deepest pain?

This is the insidious nature of betrayal trauma. It is not just the pain of being lied to or disappointed; it is a fundamental shattering of our reality that rewires how we view the world and, devastatingly, how we view ourselves.

If you have experienced significant betrayal and now find it nearly impossible to form deep connections—not just because you fear others, but because you no longer trust your own judgment—you are not crazy, and you are not alone. You are experiencing a very specific, very rational response to trauma.

What Specifically Is Betrayal Trauma?

The term "betrayal trauma" was pioneered by psychologist Dr. Jennifer Freyd. It describes the specific type of trauma that occurs when the people or institutions on which a person vitally depends for survival (physical or emotional) violate that trust and cause harm.

Betrayal trauma differs from other types of trauma (like a natural disaster or a car accident) because it is relational.

The core element here is dependency.

When a stranger hurts you, it is terrifying, but it doesn't necessarily disrupt your entire attachment system. When a spouse, a parent, a close business partner, or a religious leader hurts you, the brain is faced with an impossible conflict:

"The person I need for safety is also the source of my terror."

To survive this conflict, especially if you cannot leave the relationship (due to age, finances, or emotional enmeshment), the brain often engages in "betrayal blindness." You might minimize the abuse, "forget" key details, or accept gaslighting just to maintain the necessary bond. You sacrifice your reality to preserve the relationship.

How It Happens: The Anatomy of the Wound

Betrayal trauma doesn't always happen in a single, explosive event. It is often cumulative, built on a foundation of reality-twisting behaviors.

Examples of Betrayal Trauma:

• Romantic: It is not just the act of infidelity. It is the year of gaslighting preceding discovery—being told you are "crazy," "paranoid," or "insecure" when you questioned things that felt off. The trauma lies in having your intuitive reality systematically denied by the person who claimed to love you most.

• Familial: A child grows up with a parent who is charming to the outside world, but abusive (emotionally, physically, sexually and/or neglectful) behind closed doors. The child depends on the parent for survival, so they must internalize the belief that they are the bad one to make sense of why their "protector" is hurting them.

• Institutional: A dedicated member of a tight-knit religious community reports abuse by a leader, only to be silenced, shamed, and cast out by the organization to protect its reputation. The community they relied on for spiritual and social safety becomes their attacker.

The Cruel Irony: Connection as the Enemy

The most devastating long-term impact of betrayal trauma is how it disrupts our ability to connect deeply with new people.

This is a cruel irony: The trauma stems from a connected relationship, so the brain learns that connection itself is a precursor to danger.

If you were bitten by a dog, your brain would rightfully develop a fear of dogs to protect you. Similarly, if you were deeply harmed by intimacy, vulnerability, and trust, your brain develops a phobia of intimacy, vulnerability, and trust.

We find ourselves in a painful paradox: we starve for connection, yet we are terrified to take a bite. When someone tries to get close to us, our nervous system sounds the alarm. We might self-sabotage, push people away, or remain perpetually shallow in our relationships to ensure we never rely on anyone enough to be devastated by them again.

The Shattered Compass: "I Can't Trust Myself"

Perhaps the most damaging aspect of betrayal trauma is not that we stop trusting others—it’s that we stop trusting ourselves.

When the truth finally comes out after a betrayal, the victim often looks back and sees the red flags they missed, or the times they were talked out of their own perceptions.

The internal monologue becomes: "I trusted them completely, and I was completely wrong. My radar is broken. If I couldn't see that monster standing right in front of me, how can I possibly trust my judgment about this new person?"

We feel stupid. We feel complicit in our own deception.

Because we cannot trust our own internal compass to detect danger, we have to assume everyone is dangerous. It feels safer to assume everyone is a liar than to risk trusting one person and being wrong again. The cost of being wrong feels un-survivable.

Healing the Relational Wound

Healing from betrayal trauma is not about "learning to trust again" right away. It is about rebuilding safety in your own reality.

It begins with validating that what happened to you was real. It involves understanding that your "betrayal blindness" was not stupidity; it was a brilliant survival mechanism your brain used to cope with an impossible situation.

You are not broken because you struggle to connect; your system is working exactly as it was designed to work under threat. The path forward involves slowly, gently teaching your nervous system that you are no longer in that impossible situation, and that while connection can be dangerous, it is also the only place where true healing resides.

References and Further Reading

• Freyd, J. J. (1996). Betrayal Trauma: The Logic of Forgetting Childhood Abuse. Cambridge, MA: Harvard University Press. (This is the foundational text where Dr. Freyd introduced the theory).

• Freyd, J. J., & Birrell, P. J. (2013). Blind to Betrayal: Why We Fool Ourselves We Aren't Being Fooled. John Wiley & Sons. (A more accessible exploration of betrayal blindness and its mechanics).

• Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books. (Essential reading on complex trauma and relational dynamics).

• Klubnik, C., & Freyd, J. J. (2024). Betrayal trauma. Encyclopedia of Mental Health (Third Edition), 183–189. (A recent academic overview of the concept).

• Van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking. (Crucial for understanding how relational trauma impacts the nervous system and physical body).