The Forever New Kid: Why "Home" Feels Like a Moving Target for TCKs

Question: Why do I feel like a foreigner in my passport country, and why is it so hard to make friends as an adult Third Culture Kid?

The Short Answer:

For Third Culture Kids (TCKs), the concept of "home" is rarely a physical place; it is often a sense of shared understanding. When TCKs return to their passport country, they often experience "Hidden Immigrant" syndrome—looking like they belong on the outside, but feeling culturally distinct on the inside. This can lead to profound feelings of isolation, rootlessness, and difficulty breaking into established social circles.

The "Fish Out of Water" Cycle

If you feel like you are constantly starting over, you aren't alone. As a Licensed Professional Counselor who grew up as a Missionary Kid (MK) in Taiwan, I know this struggle intimately.

My own journey was a series of abrupt transitions, each occurring at a critical developmental stage. I moved to Taiwan in the second half of my fifth-grade year. While most kids were worrying about homework, I was trying to break into an international school ecosystem where the other students had been together since kindergarten. I was a "fish out of water" in a new country, but also in my own school.

Just as I began to adjust, the cycle reset.

For my ninth-grade year, my family returned to the United States. I went from the small, intimate class sizes of my international school to Berry High School in Hoover, Alabama—a massive public school environment. Once again, I was the outsider. The students there had known each other for years; they had a shared history that I didn't possess. I struggled to make friends, not because I lacked social skills, but because I lacked context.

Then, in a classic TCK plot twist, we moved back to Taiwan for the second half of ninth grade. This time, I entered boarding school. I had to navigate dorm parents, roommates, and living apart from my family.

The College "Drop-Off" and the Crash

The most difficult transition for many TCKs is the launch into university. The summer before my freshman year of college, my family did the "Grand Tour" of the U.S., dropped me off at school, and then... left.

My dad stayed a week. My mom flew back to Taiwan to get my siblings settled. Aside from a grandmother who lived two hours away, I had no support system. I was surrounded by American peers who seemed to speak a different emotional language.

By my sophomore year, I was flailing. I ended up rooming with a girl who had also been an MK in Taiwan—a brief moment of feeling "seen"—but the internal chaos was too loud. I was failing classes, struggling to fit in, and hated the environment.

Eventually, I dropped out and moved back to Taiwan to work.

I share this not to dwell on the negative, but to validate your experience: It is normal to "fail" when you are functioning without a foundation.

Understanding "Hidden Immigrant" Syndrome

Why is it so hard for us to break through?

Authors Pollock and Van Reken describe this as being a "Hidden Immigrant." When we return to our passport country, we look like everyone else. We speak the language. So, the people around us expect us to know the cultural cues, the slang, and the social rules. When we don't, it creates a dissonance.

The older you are, the harder this becomes. In your 30s, 40s, or 50s, people in your passport country often have "saturated" friend groups. They aren't looking for new best friends; they are maintaining 20-year friendships. Trying to break into those circles can feel like banging on a locked door.

Finding Your "Rootless" Tribe

So, how do we heal? How do we stop flailing?

1. Acknowledge the Grief

You cannot heal from the loss of a home if you pretend it doesn't hurt. It is okay to grieve the loss of proximity to the culture that shaped you.

2. Seek "Proximity of Experience"

I have found that my closest friends are still the ones from years ago, scattered all over the world. Technology allows us to maintain these bonds in ways we couldn't before. You need a support system where you don't have to explain your jokes or why you eat your food a certain way. You need people who "just get it."

3. Recognize the Nuance

However, a word of caution: Just because someone grew up overseas does not mean they are your person. Shared trauma or shared geography is a starting point, not a guarantee of compatibility. It takes trial and error to find the people who align with who you are now, not just who you were then.

If you are feeling like a fish out of water today, know that your adaptability is a strength, even if it feels like a burden right now. You are not "fake" and you are not broken. You are just a TCK looking for a place to land.

Resources for Further Reading

• "Third Culture Kids: Growing Up Among Worlds" by David C. Pollock and Ruth E. Van Reken – The definitive guide on the TCK experience and the concept of the Hidden Immigrant.

• "Arrivals, Departures and the Adventures In-Between" by Christopher O’Shaughnessy – A relatable look at the humor and heartache of the TCK life.

• "Misunderstood: The Impact of Growing Up Overseas in the 21st Century" by Tanya Crossman – Excellent data and stories regarding the modern TCK experience.

©Lisa King, LPC

Lisa King is a Licensed Professional Counselor who helps people heal from the things they were told to keep quiet about—from religious trauma to the confusing grief of the Third Culture Kid experience. A former "MK" raised in Taiwan, she founded Formosa Wellness to provide the resources and validation she wished she had during her own transitions.