The Hidden Cost of Compliance: Why Spanking Does More Harm Than Good

In many high-control or authoritarian households, spanking is often viewed not just as a disciplinary tool, but as a parental duty. It is framed as the quickest way to extinguish "rebellion" and produce a respectful, compliant child.

On the surface, it often looks like it works. The child stops the behavior. They say "yes, sir" or "yes, ma'am." The parent feels in control.

But what is happening beneath the surface?

When we look closer at the psychology of physical discipline—specifically within families that value strict obedience over emotional connection—we see that spanking doesn't teach a child how to behave; it teaches them how to survive.

The Physiology of Fear vs. Learning

To a child, a parent is their entire world—their source of safety, food, and love. When that source of safety becomes a source of physical pain, the child’s brain enters a state of dissonance.

Research shows that physical punishment activates the brain's "fight, flight, freeze, or fawn" response. When a child is spanked, they are not in the "learning brain" (the prefrontal cortex, responsible for logic and impulse control); they are in the "survival brain" (the amygdala).

In this state, a child cannot internalize the moral lesson you are trying to teach. They are simply encoding a traumatic association: Mistake = Pain.

The Birth of the "Fawn" Response (People Pleasing)

In high-control homes, there is often no room for a child to fight back or run away. "Talking back" results in more punishment. Running away is impossible.

So, the child learns to Fawn.

The Fawn response is a survival strategy where the child tries to appease the threat to avoid pain. They become hyper-vigilant, scanning their parent’s mood to ensure they are "safe."

• They learn to suppress their own needs to keep the peace.

• They often become "easy" children who never complain.

• They apologize excessively, even for things that aren't their fault.

While this looks like "good behavior" to an authoritarian parent, it is actually a trauma response. The child is not behaving out of respect; they are behaving out of a terrified necessity to avoid pain.

The Anger You Don’t See (Yet)

If a child cannot fight back against a parent who is hurting them, where does that anger go?

It doesn't disappear. It gets pushed down.

When children are not allowed to express frustration without being physically punished, they learn that anger is dangerous. They dissociate from their own feelings. This repressed anger often manifests later in life as:

• Chronic anxiety.

• Passive-aggressive behavior.

• Sudden explosive outbursts over small issues.

• Depression (which is often described as anger turned inward).

The Myth of "I Turned Out Fine"

We have all heard it. Perhaps we have even said it: "I got spanked, and I turned out fine."

This is the most common defense for physical discipline. However, we need to ask a difficult question: What is your definition of "fine"?

If "fine" means you are employed, not in prison, and generally polite, then yes, you survived. But when we look at the emotional landscape of adults who were raised with physical punishment, a different picture often emerges.

Many people who claim they "turned out fine" actually struggle with significant emotional immaturity. They may:

• Lack Self-Awareness: Have trouble identifying what they are feeling because they spent their childhoods suppressing their internal state to please authority figures.

• Avoid Conflict: Be afraid to disagree because their brain still links conflict with physical danger.

• Cannot Set Boundaries: Struggle to say "no" because they were trained that their body did not belong to them.

• Struggle with Intimacy: Unconsciously seek out partners who are controlling or volatile because that dynamic feels familiar (and therefore "safe").

Being "functional" is not the same as being emotionally healthy.

Breaking the Cycle

Moving away from spanking does not mean moving toward permissive parenting. It means moving toward authoritative parenting—where standards are high, but support is also high.

We want our children to do the right thing because they trust us and understand the "why," not because they are afraid we will hurt them. We want them to regulate their emotions, not suppress them.

It takes immense courage to look at the way we were raised and decide to do it differently. But your child’s emotional safety is worth it.

References & Further Reading

1. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) Policy Statement (2018)

In 2018, the AAP issued a strong policy statement recommending that parents do not use spanking, hitting, slapping, or shaming to discipline children. They cited that corporal punishment is associated with increased aggression, antisocial behavior, and mental health problems in children.

• Source: Sege, R. D., & Siegel, B. S. (2018). Effective Discipline to Raise Healthy Children. Pediatrics, 142(6).

2. The Gershoff & Grogan-Kaylor Meta-Analysis (2016)

This landmark study analyzed 50 years of research involving over 160,000 children. The study found that spanking was associated with 13 distinct negative outcomes, including increased aggression, mental health problems, and lower cognitive ability.

Crucially, they found no evidence that spanking resulted in better child behavior or compliance.

• Source: Gershoff, E. T., & Grogan-Kaylor, A. (2016). Spanking and child outcomes: Old controversies and new meta-analyses. Journal of Family Psychology, 30(4), 453–469.

3. The Link Between "Fawning" and Trauma

Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) research, particularly the work of Pete Walker, identifies the "Fawn" type as a response to abusive or high-control parenting, where the child merges with the parent's needs to avoid being hurt.

• Source: Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving.