Why Compassion and Boundaries Go Hand-in-Hand

By Lisa King, LPC

In the middle of our own healing journeys, it is easy to develop tunnel vision. When we are in pain, our focus naturally narrows to our own survival and recovery. However, a crucial part of emotional maturity and true healing is widening that lens to acknowledge a simple, profound truth: Everyone is dealing with something you know nothing about.

We often look at others—colleagues, friends, or even strangers on social media—and see people who seem to "have it all together." Their lives appear curated, managed, and successful. But the reality is that composure is often a mask. Even those who are high-functioning and capable of managing their lives well may be carrying heavy burdens of grief, anxiety, or private family struggles.

Understanding this isn't about minimizing our own pain; it’s about humanizing everyone else. When we realize that the person frustrating us might be fighting a battle we can’t see, it becomes easier to release judgment and focus on what we can control: ourselves.

The Myth of "Keeping People Out"

This realization brings us to the often-misunderstood concept of boundaries. There is a common misconception that boundaries are walls designed to keep other people out. We imagine them as barriers we erect to distance ourselves from difficult people or situations.

While protection is part of it, the deeper purpose of a boundary is self-definition.

Boundaries are not just about saying "no" to others; they are about saying "yes" to our own reality. They are the tools we use to define what we need, what we value, and what we have the capacity for.

As researcher and author Brené Brown often notes, "Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others."

Setting Boundaries with Ourselves

The most critical boundaries are often the ones we set internally. Before we can tell someone else what we will or won't accept, we have to be clear with ourselves.

Setting a boundary with yourself means acknowledging your needs as valid without requiring external validation. It looks like:

• Recognizing your limits: Admitting "I am too tired to handle this conversation right now" without feeling like a failure.

• Refusing the guilt trip: Understanding that someone else's disappointment is not your responsibility to fix.

• Defining your values: Knowing clearly what you are looking for in a relationship or interaction so that you don't compromise your well-being to keep the peace.

When we lack these internal boundaries, we become susceptible to guilt trips. We allow others’ urgency to become our emergency because we haven't firmly established that our needs are just as important as theirs.

Healing Through Clarity

When we combine compassion for others (knowing they struggle too) with firm boundaries for ourselves (knowing what we need), we find a sweet spot in healing. We stop taking other people's behaviors personally, and we stop sacrificing our own health to manage their emotions.

We can look at a person who is struggling and say, "I see that you are in pain, and I have compassion for that. However, I will not allow your pain to dictate my well-being." That is the essence of sustainable healing.

References & Further Reading

For those interested in exploring these concepts further, the following resources provide excellent frameworks for understanding boundaries and hidden struggles:

1. Tawwab, N. G. (2021). Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself. TarcherPerigee.

• Focus: This book is essential for understanding that boundaries are a prerequisite for healthy relationships, not a barrier to them. Tawwab emphasizes the "internal" work of boundaries.

2. Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Hazelden Publishing.

• Focus: Brown’s work on compassion explores the idea that we can only be as compassionate to others as we are to ourselves, linking self-boundaries to empathy.

3. Cloud, H., & Townsend, J. (1992). Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life. Zondervan.

• Focus: A foundational text that discusses the concept of boundaries as "property lines"—defining what is your responsibility and what is not.

4. Maté, G. (2003). When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress. Vintage Canada.

• Focus: While focused on physiological health, Maté highlights the danger of prioritizing others' needs over our own (a lack of boundaries) and how "coping" by suppressing our needs can impact our health.