Why Forcing "I'm Sorry" Hurts Our Children

By Lisa King, LPC

We have all seen it—or perhaps lived it. A child acts out, maybe hitting a sibling or breaking a rule, and the immediate parental response is a stern, "Say you're sorry. Now."

The child, seething with unspoken emotion or shame, mumbles the words. The parent nods, satisfied that "good manners" have been restored.

But have they?

In my work with complex trauma and high-control family systems, I know first hand, that the forced apology is rarely a tool for teaching empathy. Instead, it often serves as a lesson in dishonesty and emotional suppression. This is especially prevalent in religious homes where "peace at all costs" is prioritized over genuine resolution.

When we force a child to apologize before they have processed their emotions, we are not teaching them to be sorry; we are teaching them to perform. And for many, this performance sets a dangerous precedent for their adult lives.

The Myth of the Manipulative Child

One of the biggest hurdles parents face is the belief that their child’s misbehavior is a calculated attack. We assume bad intentions: "She's being manipulative," "He is purposefully being disrespectful," or "They are trying to control me."

Dr. Gordon Neufeld, a renowned developmental psychologist and author of Hold On to Your Kids, challenges this view entirely. He argues that children, particularly young ones, lack the neurological sophistication to be truly manipulative. Manipulation requires planning, impulse control, and a "theory of mind" (understanding what the other person is thinking)—skills that are often not fully developed until much later.

Neufeld suggests that what we see as "manipulation" is actually a clumsy bid for connection or a sheer lack of impulse control. The child isn't plotting against you; they are struggling to regulate their own internal world.

When we assume a child has bad intentions, we react with defensiveness and punishment. We become the adversary rather than the safe harbor.

The Parent as Investigator, Not Judge

Instead of jumping to the verdict ("You are being bad/disrespectful"), parents are invited to take an investigative approach. We must swap assumption for curiosity.

This looks like pausing the demand for an apology and asking yourself: What is happening inside my child that makes this behavior the necessary output?

• Are they overstimulated?

• Do they feel unheard?

• Are they reacting to a sense of separation from me?

Dr. Neufeld emphasizes that we must "collect" our children before we direct them. We must connect with their heart before we can influence their behavior. If we force an apology without understanding the intent, we miss the heart completely.

The "Bigger Person" Trap in Religious Families

In many high-control or strictly religious families, this dynamic takes on a heavier weight. Children are often taught that anger is a sin and that forgiveness must be immediate. They are told to be the "bigger person," even when they are the ones who have been wronged—sometimes even abused.

This creates a psychological split. The child’s internal compass screams, "This isn't fair! I am hurt!" but the external authority says, "Your feelings are wrong. You must apologize and move on."

When a child is forced to apologize to an abuser (even a sibling who bullies them) or to "forgive and forget" instantly, they learn a devastating lesson: My boundaries do not matter, and my internal reality is untrustworthy.

From Compliant Child to At-Risk Adult

The long-term damage of this dynamic is often seen in my therapy sessions years later. Children who are raised to distrust their own intuition and prioritize the comfort of others ("fawning") are at significantly higher risk for entering abusive relationships as adults.

Why? Because it feels familiar.

If you grew up believing that love means suppressing your own needs to keep the peace, an abusive partner who demands your compliance will not feel like a threat—they will feel like home. These adults often wonder, "Why do I stay?" The answer is heartbreaking: they stay because they were trained to believe they don't deserve to have a voice. They were trained that their role is to fix the conflict by taking the blame.

A New Way Forward

Breaking this cycle starts with how we handle the "I'm sorry."

1. Stop forcing it. An apology should be the fruit of empathy, not the result of coercion. Wait until the child is calm and the "heart is soft" again.

2. Validate the feeling, correct the behavior. "It's okay to be angry at your sister, but it is not okay to hit."

3. Model it. Let your children hear you apologize when you mess up. Show them that repair is about reconnection, not shame.

Our goal is not to raise children who say the right words. Our goal is to raise children who have the internal safety to feel true remorse and the courage to make genuine repairs.

References & Further Reading

• Neufeld, G., & Maté, G. (2013). Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers. Vintage Canada. (Discusses the importance of attachment and the developmental inability of children to be truly manipulative).

• MacNamara, D. (2016). Rest, Play, Grow: Making Sense of Preschoolers (Or Anyone Who Acts Like One). Aona Books. (Expands on Neufeld’s work regarding the "soft heart" and the futility of forced outcomes).

• Miller, A. (1981). The Drama of the Gifted Child. Basic Books. (Explores how children suppress their true selves to meet parental needs).

• Levine, P. A. (2010). In an Unspoken Voice: How the Body Releases Trauma and Restores Goodness. North Atlantic Books. (Relevant to the "fawn" response and trapped survival energy).