Beyond Blood: Why Taking a Step Back from Unaccountable Family Members is Self-Care

We’ve all been there—a moment where a family member has hurt us, whether intentionally or not, and the apology we desperately need never comes. The refusal to take responsibility, or even acknowledge the pain they've caused, can feel like a deep, persistent wound, especially when it comes from the people who are supposed to be our closest allies.

This isn't just about a simple "I'm sorry." It's about a foundational breakdown in respect, accountability, and the very health of the relationship. When this dynamic takes root, particularly within the complex web of a family system, the results can be fracturing.

The Repair Kit: It Takes Two Willing Hands

It’s crucial to understand that healthy relationships are built on a bedrock of mutual accountability. If a relationship is going to be repaired after a rift, both people must be willing to engage.

• Direct Communication & Honesty: Repair begins with facing the issue head-on. Indirect messages, communicating through intermediaries, or avoiding the topic altogether only cements the distance. Healthy communication means voicing your truth and actively listening to theirs.

• Owning Your Part: In any disagreement or painful situation, a healthy person reflects on their own actions. We must be the ones to make an apology if we’ve done something wrong—we shouldn't wait for the other person to go first. This models the behavior we hope to see.

• Acknowledging Hurt, Regardless of Intent: This is a vital distinction. You might genuinely believe you did nothing wrong, but if a family member tells you they are hurt, you owe them an apology—not necessarily for an intention to harm, but for the impact of your actions. As therapist Dr. Harriet Lerner often discusses, an effective apology focuses on the impact on the other person, not your intent or defensiveness.

Remember: Our feelings are valid. Whether or not they are "based in fact" from an external perspective, they are our reality. Many people carry unacknowledged hurt for years, leading to emotional distance and fractured family systems.

The Subtle Harm: When Connection is Superficial

Sometimes, the harm isn't an explosive fight; it's a slow, quiet erosion of connection. This can manifest as:

• Pretending Things Never Happened: The "rug-sweeping" technique, which avoids conflict but also avoids healing.

• Superficial Inquiry: The bare minimum of connection. "How are you doing?" "What's going on?" These are fine starting points, but true connection requires follow-up, empathy, and genuine curiosity.

A truly supportive family member seeks to understand your world: "Tell me about what has been going on with your writing lately." "I know you've been working on managing your chronic pain—have you noticed any changes, and is there any way we can support you beyond what we're doing right now?" It’s not just about asking questions; it’s about asking the right kind of questions that demonstrate investment in your specific life and struggles.

Setting Boundaries: The Art of Withdrawal

You cannot force family members to change. You cannot make them be who you want them to be. When you have exhausted your efforts—when you’ve communicated openly, set boundaries, and still met with a refusal to take responsibility or engage meaningfully—you reach a crossroads.

Sometimes, the best solution is to take a step back and engage in withdrawal.

• Withdrawal is a boundary. It’s not an act of malice; it’s an act of self-preservation. Just because people are family does not give them the right to drain your energy or continue to harm you, even indirectly.

• Assess the Harm: If continuing to engage with a family member or system triggers old wounds or actively creates new harm, stepping back may be necessary until you are resilient enough to accept them as they are without allowing their behavior to define or affect your well-being.

Re-Entering as an Adult, Not a Child

One of the most challenging aspects of family dynamics is the tendency to slip back into our childhood roles. Were you the "scapegoat," the "black sheep," or the "jokester"? When you re-enter the family home, you can unconsciously revert to that dynamic.

You are no longer a child. You are an adult.

Even if you are working through inner child wounds, you now have a voice and the ability to set and enforce boundaries. You can stand up for what you need, voice your reality, and, when necessary, you can leave. You do not own their behavior, their anger, or their refusal to apologize. You only own your peace, your actions, and your well-being.

Deciding what kind of relationship you want with your family—or if you can have one at all—is one of the most powerful acts of adult self-care.

If you are struggling with a difficult family dynamic, a licensed therapist or counselor can provide valuable tools and support for setting healthy boundaries and processing these complex emotions.

📚 References for Further Reading

On Apologies and Accountability

• Lerner, Harriet J. (Why Won’t You Apologize? Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts). A core text on the difference between a real apology and a bad one, and why people refuse to apologize. 

On Boundaries and Self-Preservation:

• Tawwab, Nedra Glover. (Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself). A practical guide to setting and maintaining limits for emotional health. 

• Cloud, Henry & Townsend, John. (Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life). A widely-cited text on the psychology and necessity of setting healthy limits in all relationships. 

On Family Dynamics and Roles:

• Bowen, Murray. (Family Evaluation: An Approach Based on Bowen Theory). Foundational work on Family Systems Theory, which explains how roles and patterns are maintained within a family unit.

©Lisa King, LPC