Beyond Our Own Healing: The Crucial Step of Accounting for the Wounds We Inflict

When we speak of trauma healing, the focus is often rightly placed on the pain we have received. Whether it’s the sharp, defining moment of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), the pervasive scar tissue of Complex PTSD (CPTSD), or the slow, cumulative impact of general trauma, the journey inward to reclaim ourselves is paramount. Yet, there is a vital, often overlooked, chapter in this healing narrative: taking responsibility for the wounds we have unintentionally inflicted on others.

The Echo Chamber of Unhealed Pain

Trauma doesn't just sit dormant; it acts as a lens through which we view the world, and often, a reactive blueprint for how we respond to it. If we are not careful, especially during the intense period of processing our own pain, we can become an echo chamber of generational trauma. We may unconsciously replicate the very patterns, defense mechanisms, or belief systems that once hurt us onto the people we love the most—our partners, our children, our closest friends.

I speak from personal experience here: when you are deeply wounded, your system is in survival mode. You react from a place of fear, hypervigilance, or dissociation. None of this makes the resulting hurt you cause to a spouse or a child intentional, but that distinction doesn't erase the impact on them.

Accountability: The Second Stage of Healing

The moment of recognition can be jarring. While battling your own demons, you are suddenly confronted with the evidence of your own collateral damage. It’s a unique form of secondary wounding—the realization that your unhealed self hurt the very people you are striving to protect.

This is where the real courage of the healing journey reveals itself. It requires shifting focus from “What happened to me?” to “How has my response to what happened to me impacted those I love?” It means looking at those recurring patterns—the sudden withdrawal, the explosive reaction, the overly critical voice—and saying, "This is not entirely me; this is the trauma speaking, and I am now responsible for silencing it and apologizing for its words."

The Power of the Apology and Openness

Facing this responsibility head-on is difficult. It forces vulnerability that feels almost too raw to bear. But the breakthrough often comes when we finally bridge that gap.

In my own journey, addressing the ways I had hurt my two sons and my husband became a defining moment. It was humbling to admit that even though my behavior stemmed from pain, it still caused them pain. The relief that followed those conversations was immense.

The anecdote about my youngest son—saying he’d been waiting for that day—is a beautiful testament to this truth. Children, in particular, are often acutely aware of the shifts in family dynamics. When a parent finally names the unspoken issue and takes accountability, it doesn't just offer them an apology; it models true self-awareness and emotional bravery.

Building a Foundation of Authentic Connection

When a family commits to this dual path—healing personal wounds while holding each other accountable—the transformation is profound. We stop tiptoeing around triggers and start fostering an environment of psychological safety.

By openly discussing how we unintentionally wound each other, we:

• Create Clarity: We move past assumptions and address behaviors directly.

• Build Trust: Accountability proves that self-improvement is for the benefit of the whole unit, not just the individual.

• Deepen Connection: Shared vulnerability solidifies relationships in a way superficial harmony never could.

Holding ourselves accountable for the wounds we inflict is not about assigning blame; it’s about owning our power to change the narrative. It’s the conscious choice to stop the cycle, not just for ourselves, but for the world we are actively shaping around us. This deliberate act of repair creates a pathway to deeper, more authentic healing for everyone involved.

©Lisa King, MS, LPC