Beyond Shared Pain: Understanding the Truth About Trauma Bonds

In today’s digital landscape, the term “trauma bond” is frequently tossed around to describe any deep connection formed over shared hardship. Maybe you’ve heard friends say they “trauma bonded” over a tough work project or a messy breakup. While bonding over shared negative experiences is real and can create strong connections, it’s crucial to understand that a true trauma bond is fundamentally different—and significantly more dangerous.

A trauma bond is not just about sharing pain; it’s a specific, harmful dynamic that forms in abusive relationships and is characterized by a cyclical pattern of abuse and positive reinforcement.

The Critical Difference: Abuse is the Foundation

The core distinction is this:

• Bonding Over Trauma: This is a connection between two victims or survivors over a mutually experienced, external hardship (e.g., surviving a natural disaster together, two people sharing stories of an abusive childhood). It can foster genuine support, empathy, and healing.

• Trauma Bonding: This is a harmful attachment that forms between an abuser (perpetrator) and the person they abuse (victim). The bond is a psychological response to the consistent cycle of emotional or physical harm mixed with intermittent kindness, which keeps the victim tethered to the relationship.

In essence, bonding over trauma is about finding solace in solidarity; trauma bonding is about finding a confusing, destructive form of “love” or attachment with the person who is actively causing the distress.

How Trauma Bonding Begins: The Cycle of Abuse

A trauma bond typically does not start with open abuse. It begins with manipulative tactics designed to create intense attachment and dependency, which then makes the cycle of abuse highly effective.

1. The Lure: Love Bombing and Idealization

The abuser often begins the relationship by showering the victim with extreme affection, compliments, grand gestures, and attention—a tactic known as love bombing.

• Example: A new partner declares, “I’ve never felt this connection before! You are my soulmate. I want to spend every second with you.” They may buy expensive gifts, insist on moving in quickly, or isolate the victim by suggesting their old friends “don’t understand” their unique, intense connection. This creates a sense of instant, intoxicating dependency.

2. Establishing Dependency and Isolation

The abuser works to isolate the victim from their support system (friends, family, finances) and create reliance on the abuser for emotional validation, money, or even housing.

• Example: The abuser constantly criticizes the victim’s friends, saying they are a “bad influence,” or subtly sabotages the victim’s career, making them financially dependent. They become the victim’s only source of external approval and stability.

3. The Shift: Criticism and Devaluation

The extreme affection abruptly shifts to criticism, belittlement, and emotional or verbal abuse. The abuser chips away at the victim’s self-esteem and sense of reality.

• Example: After a period of intense love, the abuser suddenly rages, calling the victim “useless” or “crazy.” When the victim confronts them, the abuser uses gaslighting by denying the abuse or twisting the facts, making the victim doubt their memory: “I never said that, you’re being dramatic.”

4. The Intermittent Positive Reinforcement

This is the key to the trauma bond. After an abusive episode, the abuser will quickly shift back to being loving, remorseful, and attentive—often promising change. This brief return to the “good times” (the love-bombing phase) is intensely powerful.

• Example: After a fight where the abuser broke a valuable item, they might suddenly return with flowers, apologize profusely, cry, and say, “I am so sorry, I will never do it again. I love you so much, you are the only good thing in my life.”

This intermittent cycle of intense pain followed by intense relief and affection confuses the victim’s brain. The small moments of kindness are magnified and interpreted as “proof” that the abuser is capable of love and that the relationship is worth fighting for. The victim becomes desperately hopeful for the return of the idealized “good” person, making it incredibly difficult to leave.

Recognizing the Signs

A true trauma bond is typically indicated by a handful of painful signs:

• You feel addicted to the relationship’s highs and lows, mistaking the intensity for passion or “true love.”

• You constantly defend or make excuses for the abuser’s harmful behavior to friends, family, or even yourself.

• You focus intensely on the “good days” and minimize or rationalize the abuse.

• You feel responsible for the abuser’s feelings and believe their abuse is your fault (“If I just did better, they wouldn’t get angry”).

• You feel physically and emotionally distressed when trying to leave the person, even though you know they are hurting you.

If this cycle sounds familiar, it’s not a sign of a deep, unique connection—it’s a sign of an unhealthy and potentially dangerous attachment. Seeking professional support from a trauma-informed therapist or reaching out to a domestic violence hotline can be a vital first step toward safety and healing.

©Lisa King, MS, LPC, NCC