Beyond the Fix: Normalizing the Conversation Around Suicidal Thoughts

When a loved one confides that they are struggling with suicidal thoughts or a profound sense of hopelessness, our first, often automatic, reaction is to rush in and "fix" the problem. We want to save them. We see the pain, and we desperately want to eliminate it—for them, and perhaps, for the fear it ignites in us.

But what if the most powerful thing we could do is stop trying to fix and start trying to understand?

Seeing the Person, Not the Problem

Often, the expressions of hopelessness we hear—even those wrapped up in risky behaviors or substance use—are less about a desire to die and more about an agonizing need for the pain to stop. When someone is struggling with addiction, engaging in self-sabotaging behavior, or expressing thoughts of wanting to disappear, they are often trying to communicate something they don't know how to verbalize: "I am in excruciating pain, and I need to feel seen, understood, and loved for who I am right now."

When we approach a person in crisis as a problem to be solved or a broken thing to be repaired, we risk adding an extra layer of shame and invalidation to their pain. We unknowingly communicate that their feelings are unacceptable or that their struggle makes them fundamentally flawed.

The Power of Meeting Them Where They Are

The crucial first step is to normalize the conversation around suicidal ideation and emotional pain. This means creating a space where a person can share their darkest thoughts without triggering panic, judgment, or an immediate, overwhelming intervention. It means meeting them in their pain, not trying to pull them out of it instantly.

• Listen to Understand: Focus on listening deeply to the emotion beneath the words. Acknowledge their pain simply by saying, "I hear how much you are hurting," or "That sounds incredibly overwhelming." Your validation is often more healing than any advice.

• Decenter Yourself: Remember, this is not a reflection of your failure as a loved one. Focus on their experience, not your fear. It’s a moment to practice radical compassion.

Understanding the Limits of Your Love

Caring for someone struggling with hopelessness can be intensely draining, especially when it involves substance abuse or high-risk behavior. It’s important for both you and your loved one to recognize a fundamental truth: no one person can be someone else's entire support system.

• For the Supporter: Be honest about your capacity. It is not selfish to admit that you are not equipped to handle every crisis. Being a loving, consistent presence is vital, but professional support is a different tool entirely. Set boundaries and model healthy help-seeking behavior for yourself.

• For the Person Struggling: It is important to cultivate a diverse "Safety Team." Encourage your loved one to identify several people they can talk to—a friend, a family member, a spiritual advisor—and, most importantly, a trained professional.

Building a Professional Safety Net

If you are the one struggling with feelings of hopelessness, creating a solid safety plan with professional guidance is a critical act of self-love and prevention.

• Trauma-Informed Care Matters: If your struggles stem from past trauma—physical, sexual, or emotional—seek a therapist who is not just trauma-informed but trauma-trained. These professionals have specific expertise to help you process past experiences without retraumatization, which is essential for lasting healing.

• Crisis Planning: A therapist can help you develop a detailed plan for when your emotions become overwhelming. This plan might include: identifying your personal warning signs, listing self-soothing strategies, and creating a contact list of people and crisis hotlines to reach out to.

Resources and Support

You do not have to carry this burden alone, whether you are supporting a loved one or struggling yourself. Reach out today.

For Immediate Crisis Support (Yourself or a Loved One):

• 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline:

• Call or Text 988 (Available 24/7 in the U.S. and Canada)

• Chat: 988lifeline.org/chat

• Connects you with trained crisis counselors for suicidal, mental health, and substance use crises.

To Support a Loved One Who is Struggling:

The 988 Lifeline website offers guidance on how to help someone else. The core approach involves the 5 Action Steps:

1. Ask (directly about suicide).

2. Be There (physically or virtually, non-judgmentally).

3. Help Keep Them Safe (remove access to lethal means).

4. Help Them Connect (to support resources like 988 or a therapist).

5. Follow Up (check in after the crisis).

For Hopelessness and Addiction Resources:

• SAMHSA National Helpline:

• Call 1-800-662-HELP (4357)

• A free, confidential, 24/7 information service for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders. Provides referrals to local treatment facilities, support groups, and community-based organizations.

Let's commit to having these difficult conversations with genuine empathy and without the pressure to "fix." By creating space for honesty and connecting people with the right help, we can truly start to heal.

©Lisa King, MS, LPC