Beyond the Verdict: How Curiosity Bridges Gaps That Judgment Can’t

Picture the last difficult conversation you had. Maybe it was a political debate with a relative, a friction point with a colleague, or a misunderstanding with a partner.

When you entered that conversation, what was your mindset?

If we are honest, most of us enter difficult interactions armor-clad. We have our facts marshaled, our defenses up, and our conclusions already drawn. We aren't there to learn; we are there to win, to correct, or to defend. We operate from a "rigid mindset"—a certainty that our way is the right way, and their way is misinformed, misguided, or just plain wrong.

When we operate this way, we aren’t engaging in a conversation; we are conducting an interrogation. And interrogations rarely lead to connection.

There is a quieter, more potent alternative to judgment and interrogation, one that has the power to disarm conflict and build profound bridges between people: Genuine Curiosity.

The Irony of Interrogation

When we approach someone with an accusatory spirit—even if it’s thinly veiled behind polite words—they instantly sense it. The human brain is wired to detect threats. Judgment is a social threat.

When someone feels judged, their limbic system takes over. They go into "fight or flight" mode. Their capacity for complex thought diminishes, and their sole focus becomes defending their ego and their position. The more you push with "why did you think that was okay?" the thicker their walls become.

Interrogation focuses on the what (the action that upset you). It traps the other person in the role of a defendant. In this dynamic, there is no room for understanding, only winning or losing.

The Power of the Shift toward Curiosity

Curiosity is the antidote to judgment. You cannot be truly curious and judgmental at the same exact moment. Judgment says, "I know." Curiosity says, "I want to understand."

Genuine curiosity isn't about asking trap questions designed to corner someone into admitting they are wrong. It’s a sincere, open-hearted desire to know the architecture of another human being’s perspective.

It’s shifting your internal stance from “How could they possibly believe that?” (said with disdain) to “What experiences has this person had that led them to believe that?” (said with interest).

When we get so focused on who we are and what we believe, we suck the air out of the room. Curiosity puts the focus on them. It validates their humanity by saying, "Your perspective matters enough for me to stop talking and start listening."

Curiosity acts as the gateway to Empathy

Empathy—the ability to feel with someone—is often touted as the ultimate relationship goal. But you can’t just decide to suddenly be empathetic toward someone whose actions baffle or anger you.

Curiosity is the bridge that gets you there.

If you see someone acting out in anger, judgment says, "They are a jerk." End of story.

Curiosity asks, "Why are they so angry? What is threatening them right now? What pain is underneath that shouting?"

When you seek to understand the "why"—why they are doing what they're doing, saying what they're saying, or believing what they believe—you start to see the human beneath the behavior.

• You might discover their rigid political stance is born out of a deep-seated fear for their family's safety.

• You might learn their aloofness at work is actually crippling social anxiety.

Once you understand the root cause, your judgment naturally softens. You don't have to agree with their actions or beliefs, but you can understand the human emotion driving them. That understanding is empathy. And when people feel understood, they lower their weapons.

How to Practice "Curious" Over "Correct"

Shifting from a rigid mindset to a curious mindset takes practice. It requires overriding our ego’s desire to be right. Here is how to start:

1. Check Your Tone (Internal and External)

Before asking a question, ask yourself: Am I asking this to prove a point, or to learn something new? If your internal monologue is screaming, "You are an idiot," your "curious" question will sound like an accusation.

2. Change Your Starter Words

Interrogation questions often start with an accusatory "Why..." (e.g., "Why did you do that?").

Curious questions use softer openers that invite narrative:

• "Can you help me understand what led you to..."

• "What was your experience when..."

• "Tell me more about your perspective on..."

3. Listen for the Emotion, Not Just the Facts

Don't just listen to argue back. Listen for the feelings underneath their words. Are they scared? Hurt? Proud? Insecure? Reflect that back to them: "It sounds like you were really overwhelmed when that happened."

4. Adopt the "Beginner's Mind"

Enter a conversation assuming you don't have all the information. Even if you've known someone for twenty years, you don't know what happened to them this morning that shaped their mood.

Conclusion

It is easy to judge. It feels righteous and safe to stay fortified within our own beliefs. But judgment is a lonely place.

Curiosity requires vulnerability. It requires admitting we don’t know everything. But in exchange for that vulnerability, it offers us the chance to truly connect with the complex, messy, interesting people around us. The next time you feel the urge to interrogate, try to investigate instead. You might be surprised by what you learn, and the bridge you build in the process.

References and Further Reading on the Topic

If you are interested in diving deeper into the psychology of curiosity, empathy, and moving away from judgment, these resources offer valuable insights:

1. The Role of Vulnerability and Judgment:

• Brené Brown on Empathy vs. Sympathy: Brown’s extensive research highlights how judgment kills connection, while curiosity breeds empathy. Her work often discusses the necessity of dropping our armor to connect.

• Relevant Read: Dare to Lead or Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown.

2. The Psychology of Curiosity and Open-Mindedness:

• Dr. Todd Kashdan: A leading researcher on the psychology of curiosity. His work details how curiosity is essential for well-being and social connection, moving us away from anxiety and defensiveness.

• Relevant Read: Curious?: Discover the Missing Ingredient to a Fulfilling Life by Todd Kashdan.

3. Curiosity in Conflict and Leadership:

• Harvard Business Review: HBR frequently publishes articles on how "inquiry" (curiosity) is superior to "advocacy" (arguing your point) in resolving conflicts and leading teams. They discuss how leaders who ask questions rather than give orders create better environments.

4. The Neuroscience of Judgment vs. Safety:

• Judith E. Glaser (Conversational Intelligence): Glaser’s work explains the neuroscience of how accusatory language triggers the amygdala (fear brain), shutting down connection, while curious language engages the prefrontal cortex (thinking brain), enabling trust and co-creation.

• Relevant Read: Conversational Intelligence: How Great Leaders Build Trust and Get Extraordinary Results by Judith E. Glaser.

©Lisa King, LPC