💔 Breaking the Mold: Moving from Authoritarian Parenting to Connection and Grace

Parenting is a profound journey, but navigating the many philosophies can be overwhelming. Understanding the basic models—authoritarian, authoritative, permissive, and uninvolved—is a crucial first step in building a healthy relationship with your child.

While all styles have their nuances, one, in particular, carries a significant risk of emotional and psychological harm: Authoritarian Parenting. This blog post explores the different styles and dives into the deep, often unintentional, wounds created by an authoritarian approach, especially within religious contexts, and offers a path toward healing and connection through an authoritative and gentle lens.

Understanding the Parenting Styles

Psychologist Diana Baumrind identified three primary parenting styles, with a fourth (Uninvolved/Neglectful) added later. These styles are based on two dimensions: demandingness (control) and responsiveness (warmth).

The Authoritarian style is characterized by high demandingness and low responsiveness. This is the "My way or the highway" approach where obedience is paramount.

The Authoritative style combines high demandingness with high responsiveness. This style sets clear rules and high expectations, but combines them with warmth, reasoning, and open communication. It is doing what is best for the child and not from a mindset of "You do what I say or else."

The Permissive style has low demandingness and high responsiveness, offering few rules or demands while being highly nurturing and communicative.

The Uninvolved style shows low responsiveness and low demandingness, demonstrating minimal emotional involvement or demands.

The Silent Damage of Authoritarianism, Especially in Faith

The authoritarian parent believes that children are inherently strong-willed, potentially "bad," and that the parent-child relationship is a constant power struggle for authority. Phrases like, “Because I said so,” or “I’m the adult and you are the child,” are hallmarks of this style.

When a parent's theology reinforces this belief—that a child's will must be "bent" to authority—the potential for trauma is amplified. Loving parents, driven by a desire to be "good" and raise "compliant" children, can unknowingly pass on harmful theology that equates obedience with love and worth.

As therapist Megan Vaughn, specializing in religious trauma, notes, children raised in authoritarian religion often grow into adults who are "starved for love because their parents consistently prioritized obedience and compliance over nurture and connection" (Vaughn, as cited).

Connection Lost to Disobedience

A critical failing of this approach is that it causes parents to miss the moments when connection is needed most. When a child acts out, an authoritarian parent often defaults to seeing the behavior as pure disobedience. In that moment of distress, when the child's nervous system is dysregulated and they need comfort, they are met instead with correction, criticism, or punishment.

As Dr. Becky Kennedy, in her book Good Inside, suggests, parents often view their children as either fundamentally good or fundamentally bad. When we operate from the belief that our children are "bad," we intervene from a place of frustration and anger, rather than curiosity and compassion. Dr. Kennedy's core belief is that every person is good inside, and harmful actions are often a reflection of a child having a hard time, not being a bad kid.

This approach teaches children that their body circuitry is only wired to receive love and attention under conditions of compliance. They quickly learn to shut down, label as "bad," and reject any authentic parts of themselves that draw criticism or invalidation. This breeds fear, shame, and a life of hypervigilance. The child lives in a hyper-aroused state, constantly trying to anticipate what they must do next, rather than existing in the calm, parasympathetic state where authentic selfhood can develop.

The Lie of "I Turned Out Fine"

Many adults raised this way dismiss the harm, stating, "I was spanked and I turned out all right." However, a look beneath the surface in therapy often reveals a different truth: unresolved bitterness, anger, and resentment projected onto spouses, children, or colleagues. Using corporal punishment while simultaneously teaching a child that hitting is wrong is fundamentally contradictory and, frankly, a lazy parenting technique. True discipline is about teaching and guiding, not asserting brute force.

The Power of the Authoritative Approach

The goal of parenting is not to breed perfection or resentment, but to lead by example. We, as parents, are imperfect. We have bad days. When we hold our children to a perfect standard we don't hold ourselves to, we are being hypocrites.

Authoritative parenting offers a balanced, healthy alternative. It is characterized by:

• High Expectations + High Responsiveness: Setting clear rules and expectations, but also providing the warmth, resources, and support needed to succeed.

• Reasoning and Open Communication: Listening to children's opinions and guiding them with a rationale, not just an order.

• Natural Consequences: Allowing children to learn from the logical outcomes of their choices.

• Flexibility and Grace: Practicing grace when we, or our children, have bad days. We are not expected to be robots, and neither should our children.

The outcome of this style is children with stronger self-discipline, independence, and self-esteem.

Addressing the "Soft" Stigma: Understanding Gentle Parenting

Many view authoritative or respectful approaches as "soft" or fear they are giving children "too much power." This fear often stems from a misunderstanding of Gentle Parenting.

Gentle Parenting is not permissive parenting. It is an umbrella term for a philosophy that prioritizes connection, empathy, respect, and understanding to guide behavior, rather than relying on shame, punishment, or reward systems. It seeks to address the root cause of misbehavior.

Key Principles of Gentle Parenting:

• Parent as the Calmer: When a child is having a meltdown (a dysregulated nervous system), the parent acts as a non-threatening, calm presence ("time-in" instead of "time-out"). You address the feeling first: "You are feeling very frustrated right now that the block tower fell."

• Setting Boundaries with Empathy: Boundaries are what the parent will do, not what the child must stop doing. For example, instead of yelling, "Stop throwing the toy!" a parent might calmly state, "I won't let you throw toys because they could break. I am going to hold this one until you are ready to play with it gently."

• Modeling: Teaching that "two things can be true"—a child can be upset that it's bedtime, and the parent can still lovingly enforce the boundary. Parents model apologizing when they lose their cool, showing that mistakes are human and repair is possible.

A Path to Healing and Adjustment

Healing from the wounds of authoritarian parenting—whether as an adult who experienced it or a parent who perpetuated it—is a lifelong journey that requires intentional effort, often with the help of a therapist.

For the Adult Child (Healing the Wounds):

1. Acknowledge the Trauma: Recognize that your feelings of worthlessness, hypervigilance, and struggles with boundaries are not personal failings, but coping mechanisms wired by your early environment.

2. Develop Self-Compassion: Challenge the internal critical voice (the internalized parent) that breeds shame and self-hatred. Journal your positive qualities and practice a "most generous interpretation" of your own mistakes.

3. Set Boundaries with Parents: This may require physical or emotional distance. You must allow yourself to step into the role of an adult observer when interacting with a critical parent, rather than the reactive, hurt child. Therapy can help you process and ventilate feelings of guilt about separating or setting limits.

4. Embrace Your Inner Child: Give yourself the validation, comfort, and unconditional love you craved. Your feelings are valid, and you are worthy of love, regardless of your performance.

For the Parent (Adjusting Adult Relationships):

1. Stop Trying to Control: Your child is now an individual adult, not an extension of you. Their life choices are theirs to make.

2. Shift from Advice to Support: Unless asked, offer emotional support rather than unsolicited advice or criticism. Focus on validating their struggles.

3. Apologize and Repair: A sincere, non-defensive apology for past parenting actions can be profoundly healing. A statement like, "I am sorry that my focus on obedience caused you to feel disconnected and criticized. I was operating from misinformation, and I regret the pain that caused you," can open the door to a new, adult relationship.

4. Practice Curiosity: Instead of judgment, ask questions. Seek to understand who your adult child is now, not who you expected them to be.

Moving from an authoritarian to an authoritative and gentle approach requires a fundamental belief change: that our children are good inside and that our job is to guide them, not break them. It is a transition from control to connection, a shift that is necessary for healthy development and lifelong relational well-being.

References

• Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56-95.

• Kennedy, B. (2022). Good Inside: A Guide to Becoming the Parent You Want to Be. Harper Wave.

• Vaughn, M. (n.d.). Cited via public talks and social commentary on religious trauma and parenting. (Please note: Specific publication source for direct quote is not cited, but is attributed to her professional commentary on the subject.)

• Verywell Mind. (Current, on authoritative parenting characteristics and effects).

©Lisa King, LPC