Forgiveness, Boundaries, and the Christian Journey

The concept of forgiveness sits at the very heart of the Christian faith. It's a profound, powerful idea, exemplified by Christ's sacrifice and His teachings. But what does it really mean to forgive, especially when the wounds are deep and the hurt is ongoing?

In many church communities, the expectation of forgiveness is often simplified into a two-step process: acknowledging the wrong and immediately moving past it. You are often expected to set aside the pain, embrace the wrongdoer, and wipe the slate clean, regardless of whether they’ve changed or even acknowledged the harm they’ve caused.

The Problem with "Instant" Forgiveness

This simplified view often becomes a weapon wielded against the victim.

A particularly insidious dynamic arises around family relationships. The message is clear: "They are your parents," "They are your sibling," "The Bible says you must forgive." This blanket command, often layered with immense guilt, serves to bypass genuine repentance. It essentially says: their status as family is more important than your pain or their accountability.

This dynamic can create a toxic cycle:

1. Harm occurs.

2. Guilt is applied to the victim for not immediately forgiving.

3. The wrongdoer avoids responsibility because they know the victim will be pressured to "move on."

4. The toxic behavior continues.

When we are continually told to sacrifice our self for the sake of an idealized, often forced, forgiveness, we end up enabling the very bad behavior, toxic patterns, or even abuse that we’re trying to move past. At that point, by continually excusing the inexcusable, we become part of the problem that perpetuates the cycle of harm.

Forgiveness as Self-Preservation, Not Enabling

True, Christ-like forgiveness is a powerful act, but it’s not meant to be a tool of self-destruction. The deepest, most enduring function of forgiveness is for the one who was wronged. It is an internal release.

Forgiveness is primarily the decision to not carry the weight of someone else's sin, poor choices, or abuse into your own present and future.

It is an act of self-preservation. It means choosing to let go of the right to be perpetually angry or resentful, freeing your own heart from being shackled to the past. This spiritual and emotional work is what truly allows you to move on.

When Distance is the Most Loving Choice

Sometimes, we complete this intense, internal work of forgiveness, but the external reality remains unchanged: The person who hurt you does not take responsibility, and they continue to cause harm.

In these situations, the most loving, most Christ-centered, and most self-preserving act you can take is to create distance. This is not an act of hate or unforgiveness; it’s an act of boundary-setting and wisdom.

• It allows them to be who they choose to be. You are not trying to control or change them; you are accepting their current path and letting them own the consequences.

• It allows you to be healthy. You are choosing to protect your mental, emotional, and spiritual well-being from a continual source of pain.

This choice is not anti-Christian or acting un-Godly. Jesus himself often withdrew from people who sought to harm him or misuse his teachings. Setting a boundary is saying, "I have released you from my need for revenge, but I am not inviting you back into a position where you can continue to hurt me."

True forgiveness sets you free; wise boundaries keep you safe. We are called to love our neighbors, but we are also called to be good stewards of the life and self that God has given us. Choosing self-preservation over continual self-sacrifice in the face of ongoing harm is a healthy, faithful, and necessary step on the journey.

©Lisa King, MS, LPC, NCC