From Behind the Curtain: When Public Image Hides Private Dysfunction

We often talk about "seeing someone’s true colors," but we rarely talk about the isolation that follows when you are the only one seeing them. It is the "Wizard of Oz" moment—you have pulled back the curtain and seen the small, scared, or manipulative person operating the machine. You know the Great Wizard is actually an illusion.

But in real life, when you pull back the curtain, the audience doesn't gasp in realization. Instead, they often turn on you for ruining the show.

This dynamic is painfully common in high-control families or communities, and it leaves the "Truth Teller" asking a dangerous question: "Am I the crazy one?"

The Curated Saint

We live in an era of intense image management. It is easier than ever to construct a public persona that has no basis in private reality.

You know the pattern. You have a family member, a parent, or a sibling who is a pillar of the community. Their social media feed is a highlight reel of benevolence: Scripture verses about grace, photos of them volunteering, long captions about how God has transformed their heart, and public declarations of love for "friends."

To the outside world, they are saints. They are helpful, charming, and spiritual.

But you have seen the version of them that exists when the Wi-Fi is off and the guests have gone home. You have experienced their lack of empathy, their rigid need for control, their cruelty, or their silent treatment. You know that the person posting about "forgiveness" on Facebook hasn’t apologized to a family member in twenty years.

This gap between who they say they are and how they actually treat people creates a massive cognitive dissonance for you.

Why You Feel Like You’re Losing Your Mind

When you experience this duality, it triggers a crisis of self-trust. Because everyone else buys the act, you begin to internalize the dysfunction. You think:

• “Look at all the people they help. Maybe I’m just too critical.”

• “They act so nice to the neighbors; maybe I’m the difficult one.”

• “Maybe if I just didn’t provoke them, they wouldn’t act that way.”

This is gaslighting by proxy. You aren't just being gaslit by the individual; you are being gaslit by the applause they receive from the public. But the truth is, public charisma is not the same as private character.

The Threat of the Healer

Here is the hardest pill to swallow: If you are doing the deep work—going to therapy, unraveling your trauma, learning to be honest about your feelings—you become a threat to the family system.

Dysfunctional family systems (and deceptive individuals) rely on equilibrium. They need everyone to play their role to keep the boat steady. The "Image Maintainer" needs an audience to believe their performance.

When you refuse to clap—when you simply stand there and witness the truth—you become a mirror. You reflect back the reality they are desperately trying to hide.

This is why the healthiest person in a dysfunctional system is often the most ostracized. You are not rejected because you are "bad" or "crazy." You are rejected because you are real. Your authenticity makes their performance look fake by comparison.

To protect their image, they must paint you as the villain, the "unstable" one, or the "black sheep."

Examples of the "Curtain" Dynamic

1. The "Ministry" Martyr

• The Image: A mother who runs the church bake sale, leads a Bible study, and is constantly praised by the pastor for her servant’s heart.

• The Reality: At home, she is emotionally unavailable to her children, uses guilt as a weapon, and refuses to respect boundaries. When her adult child tries to discuss a hurt, she quotes scripture to shut them down, claiming they are "dishonoring" her.

2. The Social Media Sage

• The Image: A sibling who posts daily motivational videos about "cutting out toxicity" and "finding your peace."

• The Reality: This sibling creates chaos at every family gathering, triangulates family members against one another, and takes no responsibility for their relational instability.

You Are Not Crazy

If you are standing behind the curtain, feeling the chill of isolation, hear this: Your perception is real.

The fact that they have fooled others does not mean they have changed. Character is not defined by what we post or preach; it is defined by how we treat those who can do nothing for us, and how we treat those we live with behind closed doors.

You are not "judgmental" for requiring congruency between words and actions. You are simply a truth-teller. And while the truth may lose you the approval of the dysfunction, it is the only path to your own freedom.

References and Further Reading

For those navigating this difficult dynamic, the following resources provide clinical and psychological context:

• "People of the Lie" by M. Scott Peck – A seminal work exploring human evil, specifically defined as the use of power to destroy the spiritual growth of others for the purpose of defending and preserving the integrity of one's own sick self-image.

• "The Drama of the Gifted Child" by Alice Miller – Explores how children in dysfunctional families are forced to repress their true selves to serve the emotional needs of their parents.

• "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson – This book breaks down the disconnect between a parent’s external role and their internal lack of empathy and emotional depth.

• Concepts of "The Scapegoat" and "The Golden Child" – In Family Systems Theory (specifically Bowen Theory), these roles explain why one child is chosen to uphold the family image while another is chosen to carry the family's burden of dysfunction.