The Long Game: Why Respect Matters More Than Obedience

In the heat of a parenting moment—perhaps a toddler meltdown in the frozen food aisle or a teenager slamming a door—our instinct often craves one thing: Obedience. We want the noise to stop, the behavior to change, and the calm to be restored now.

But if we pause to look at the architecture of our parenting, we have to ask ourselves a difficult question: Are we raising children to be compliant, or are we raising them to be respectful? These two concepts are often used interchangeably, but they are fundamentally different. One is a transaction based on power; the other is a relationship based on connection.

The Trap of Obedience

Obedience is unilateral. It flows one way: from the authority figure to the subordinate. It focuses on the elimination of inconvenient behaviors rather than the development of character.

When we prioritize obedience above all else, we often parent from a place of control. This dynamic is frequently fueled by our own anxiety or, more insidiously, by image management.

• The "Audience" Effect: When a child misbehaves in public, a parent focused on obedience feels shame. They discipline not to teach the child, but to prove to onlookers that they are "in control."

• The Cost: This teaches the child that their feelings are less important than the opinions of strangers. It creates a "False Self"—a persona that acts "good" to avoid rejection or anger, rather than acting right because they understand why.

Research suggests that strict authoritarian parenting, which demands high obedience with low responsiveness, is often linked to lower self-esteem and poorer social skills in children (Baumrind, 1991). The child learns to fear the consequence, not to value the behavior.

The Foundation of Respect

Respect, unlike obedience, is bilateral. It is a two-way street involving both the parent and the child.

Respect is not about letting a child run the household; it is about considering the needs of both parties. It acknowledges that a child is a sovereign human being with their own nervous system, temperament, and valid emotions.

• It takes time: Obedience is immediate ("Stop it now!"). Respect is developmental. It takes years of modeling to teach a child how to disagree without disrespect, or how to manage big emotions.

• It considers the "Why": A respectful parent looks past the behavior to the need. Is the child hitting because they are malicious? Or are they hitting because they are overstimulated and lack the verbal skills to say, "I need space"?

Discipline: To Teach, Not to Terrorize

The root word of discipline is discipulus, which means "pupil" or "student." Discipline is meant to be a form of teaching.

When we discipline for obedience, we use fear (yelling, shaming, harsh punishments) to force submission.

When we discipline for respect, we use connection to foster growth.

The Goal: We don't want children who obey because they are afraid of us. We want children who cooperate because they trust us. We want them to learn effective communication and emotional regulation so that when they leave our home, they can engage with the world as healthy, autonomous adults.

Real-World Examples

Scenario 1: The "Backtalk"

The Obedience Approach:

• Parent: "Don't you dare speak to me that way! Go to your room!"

• Outcome: The child suppresses their anger. They learn that their voice doesn't matter and that conflict results in isolation. They may comply, but they resent the parent.

The Respect Approach:

• Parent: (Pausing to regulate themselves first) "I can hear that you are incredibly frustrated, but I cannot let you speak to me with those words. It feels hurtful. Take a moment to cool down, and then let’s try saying that again so I can actually understand what you need."

• Outcome: The boundary is held (disrespectful language is not okay), but the child’s emotion is validated. They learn how to communicate frustration effectively.

Scenario 2: Refusing to put on shoes

The Obedience Approach:

• Parent: "If you don't put those shoes on right now, no TV for a week!"

• Outcome: The child puts the shoes on out of fear of loss. The underlying issue (perhaps anxiety about where they are going) is ignored.

The Respect Approach:

• Parent: "I see you're struggling to get your shoes on. We have to leave in five minutes. Do you need help, or do you want to do it yourself? Is there something about where we are going that is worrying you?"

• Outcome: The parent invites cooperation and investigates the root cause. The child learns that they are a participant in the routine, not just a subject of it.

Conclusion

Shifting from obedience to respect is terrifying for many parents because it requires us to relinquish the illusion of control. It requires us to tolerate the messiness of big emotions and the inconvenience of teaching moments.

But the reward is a relationship that lasts. By prioritizing respect, we raise children who do the right thing not because they are watching for a raised hand or a harsh word, but because they have internalized the values of empathy, integrity, and mutual regard.

References

• Baumrind, D. (1991). The influence of parenting style on adolescent competence and substance use. Journal of Early Adolescence, 11(1), 56-95. (This research highlights the difference between Authoritarian parenting—high control/low warmth—and Authoritative parenting—high standards/high warmth).

• Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind. Delacorte Press. (Discusses the importance of "Connect before you Correct" and integrating the brain rather than demanding compliance).

• Kohn, A. (2005). Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason. Atria Books. (Extensive discussion on the dangers of compliance-focused parenting and the value of working with children rather than doing things to them).

• Gottman, J. (1997). Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child. Simon & Schuster. (Focuses on emotion coaching versus dismissing or disapproving of children's negative emotions).