The High Cost of Fitting In (And the Freedom of True Belonging)

Brené Brown once made a distinction that completely changed how I view relationships and community. She said that the opposite of belonging is fitting in.

It sounds counterintuitive at first, doesn't it? We often use the words interchangeably. But when you look closer, they are worlds apart. Belonging means that we get to be who we are, no matter what. Fitting in, however, is the idea that we must scan our environment, look around, and decide who we need to be so that people will be okay with us.

This distinction got me wondering: How many places do we really feel like we can be ourselves? Where do we truly belong?

The Illusion of Safety

I know this struggle intimately. Growing up as a missionary kid around other missionary kids, I operated under a false sense of security. I thought I belonged simply because we all shared the same label. I lived that way for a very good part of my life.

I became an expert at the game of fitting in. I was very good at saying the right things, doing the right things, and dressing the right way. But deep down, there was a quiet, nagging truth: I knew that if I were to do anything different—if I stepped out of line or showed a messy part of my humanity—I would not fit in anymore.

That isn't belonging. That is conditional acceptance. And it is exhausting.

We Were Not Created to be Copies

Having recently turned 53 years old, I feel a shift occurring. It makes me sad in some ways that it took this long, but I am just now reaching a place where I am okay with having no desire to fit in.

When you step back and look at humanity, the demand for conformity makes no sense. We are not supposed to be like everyone else. If we were, we would have all been born looking the same.

But we weren’t. We are born different. We have different features. We have different personalities and temperaments. We carry different life experiences. Because we are designed to be unique, it takes extreme effort to fit in. You are essentially fighting against your own nature to make others comfortable.

"This Is Me"

I love the movie The Greatest Showman, and specifically the anthem "This Is Me." There is a reason that song resonates with so many of us—it speaks to the part of us that is tired of hiding.

The lyrics capture the transition from the shame of being different to the power of owning your story:

"I am not a stranger to the dark / 'Hide away,' they say / 'Cause we don't want your broken parts' / I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars... I am brave, I am bruised / I am who I'm meant to be, this is me."

For so many of us, the message we received growing up was to hide away the "broken parts." But true healing and true belonging happen when we stop apologizing for the space we take up.

A Challenge to Belong

For anyone out there reading this today, if you have spent your life scanning the room and changing your colors to match the environment, I want you to stop and think about belonging.

What would that look like for you? Do you have spaces where you feel like you can be yourself unapologetically?

We all deserve that. We were meant to live free without unrealistic expectations placed on us by other people.

Here is the hard truth I have come to embrace at 53: If someone has a problem with your personality, who you are authentically, how you dress, or how you wear your makeup, that sounds like a them problem, not a you problem.

Stop marching to their beat. Start marching to the beat of your own drum.

References & Further Reading

If you are looking to explore the concepts of authenticity, belonging, and breaking free from conformity, here are a few resources:

• Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: A foundational book on letting go of who you think you're supposed to be and embracing who you are.

• Brené Brown, Braving the Wilderness: specifically discusses the quote mentioned in this post regarding the difference between "fitting in" (acclimating to a group) and "belonging" (being accepted for you).

• Benj Pasek & Justin Paul, "This Is Me" (from The Greatest Showman): A musical anthem regarding self-acceptance and the rejection of social stigma.

• Gabor Maté, The Myth of Normal: Explores how trauma and the pressure to conform to societal norms can impact our health and authentic self-expression.