Growing Apart Isn't the Problem: The Real Goal of a Relationship is Independent Growth

It's a cliché, an easy out that sounds sad but inevitable. It suggests that the true measure of a successful relationship is two people marching in lockstep, growing at the exact same pace, in the exact same direction.

But what if this idea of growing together is actually an unhealthy expectation? What if the most successful, most passionate, and most enduring relationships are built not on forced conformity, but on the radical choice to be together, precisely because you've committed to growing as individuals?

Your Growth Path Isn't a Shared Lane

We often enter relationships with an unspoken rule: My partner must validate my current path, and I must validate theirs. The moment one person gets a new passion, a new career goal, or a new curiosity that doesn't immediately include the other, we panic and label it "growing apart."

The truth is, your personal growth—your journey of becoming the best version of yourself—is an independent path. It has sharp turns, sudden sprints, and long periods of rest that are unique to you. The goal of a healthy partnership is not to tether yourselves together so tightly that you can only advance when your partner does.

The goal is to love someone who is fully committed to their individual journey and, despite the inevitable differences in pace and direction, still chooses to be with you, every single day.

Compromise Isn't About 'Who Won'

A relationship that embraces independent growth also fundamentally changes how we think about compromise. Too many people view compromise through a transactional lens: I gave up X for you, so you must give up Y for me. They are constantly keeping score, looking for "what's fair." This leads to a sense of resentment where one person always feels like they're sacrificing something vital.

A healthy relationship doesn't look for a quick fix or a "fair" split. It looks for a common good.

It’s about genuinely working together to find a solution that both of you can embrace—not a forced giving-up, but a co-created answer. It requires honesty, a willingness to be flexible, and a foundational belief that you are a team striving for the betterment of the relationship, not two opponents fighting to minimize their losses.

When Convictions Become Chains

The final, and perhaps most challenging, obstacle to healthy, individual growth in a partnership is the twin threat of rigid convictions and ego. Many relationships fail because we cling to our beliefs so tightly that they become chains. These convictions are often generational—"This is how marriage is," "This is what a man/woman does," "This is how money is handled"—and we hold them as gospel.

When a partner suggests a different approach, it's not just a debate about a chore or a budget; it feels like an existential threat. This threat is amplified by the ego, which often ties our identity directly to our behavior. If someone challenges our habit, we feel they are challenging who we are. We fail to realize a profound truth:

Your behavior is not your identity. You have the choice to choose differently.

A powerful partnership is one where both people are secure enough in themselves to examine their deepest-held convictions, admit when they’re acting from ego, and choose to evolve, knowing their partner will support their growth—even if it means a change to the dynamic.

The relationship that lasts isn't the one where two people magically stop growing. It’s the one where two people fully commit to their own evolution and still choose each other at every new stage.

©Lisa King, MS, LPC, NCC