Hitting the Brakes and Steering Your Feelings: Two Powerful DBT Skills for BPD

If you live with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), you know the feeling: an emotion—be it a wave of shame, a flash of anger, or a terrifying spike of fear—hits you like a tidal wave. It can feel impossible to stop the automatic reaction, and before you know it, you're swept into an action you later regret.

The great news is that you don't have to be a victim of your emotional mind. Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) offers practical, life-changing skills designed to help you pause, gain control, and steer yourself toward healthier outcomes.

Today, we're diving into two fundamental emotional regulation skills: STOP and Opposite Action.

1. The Emergency Brake: The STOP Skill

The STOP skill is your emotional emergency brake. It’s a tool to interrupt an impulsive, destructive urge right when it happens, giving your logical mind a chance to catch up.

When you feel an intense emotion or an urge to act impulsively (like yelling, self-harming, isolating, or quitting), use these four steps:

• S: Stop. Freeze! Do not move a muscle. Don't speak. Don't react. Just hit the pause button on whatever you're doing. Physically taking a step back or putting your hands in your pockets can help cement this "stop."

• T: Take a Step Back. Give yourself space from the situation, both physically and mentally. Breathe deeply. Remember that having an emotional reaction doesn't mean you have to act on it. This moment is about creating distance from the urge.

• O: Observe. Look inward and outward. What are your feelings? What thoughts are swirling? What are the facts of the situation? Without judgment, simply notice what is happening inside and around you.

• P: Proceed Mindfully. Based on your observation, ask yourself: What is the most effective thing I can do right now? Choose an action that moves you toward your goals, not one that gives you temporary relief but long-term pain. Then, take that step—mindfully.

The takeaway: STOP helps you choose your response instead of merely reacting.

2. When the Mind is Wrong: The Opposite Action Skill

Sometimes, our gut feelings guide us toward helpful actions (like moving away from a hot stove). Other times, our intense emotions lead us straight toward behaviors that make our lives worse. The goal of Opposite Action is to recognize when an emotion is inappropriate or ineffective and then do the exact opposite of what that emotion urges you to do.

This skill works on the principle that to change an emotion, you must change the actions associated with it.

Here’s a quick guide to common, painful emotions and the Opposite Action they require:

• Shame - Creates the automatic urge to want to hide, look away, or isolate. The Opposite Action is to engage: Raise your head, make eye contact, put your shoulders back and connect with people instead.

• Anger - Creates the automatic urge to want to attack, defend or retaliate. The Opposite Action is to Show Kindness: Act with gentleness, speak softly, or simply walk away from the conflict.

• Fear - Creates the automatic urge to want to escape, avoid, or run away. The Opposite Action is to Build Courage: Face the feared situation head-on (gradually), and stay involved rather than withdrawing.

• Depression - Creates the automatic urge to want to withdraw, be inactive and avoid contact. The Opposite Action is to Get Active: Increase your activity level and proactively seek out contact with people.

• Disgust - Creates the automatic urge to want to reject, distance or push away. The Opposite Action is to Push Through: Commit to engaging with the person or situation, even if it feels uncomfortable.

• Guilt - Creates the automatic urge to want to hide or self-punish. The Opposite Action is to Repair: Seek forgiveness, apologize genuinely and take corrective action to fix the violation you committed.

Keys to Making Opposite Action Work

Remember these three core principles as you practice:

1. Actions Feed Emotions: If you want an emotion (like depression) to stay or increase, keep doing the actions associated with it (like lying in bed). If you want the emotion to change, you must do the opposite action.

2. Full Commitment is Key: You cannot halfway use this skill. If you choose to use Opposite Action, you must go all the way and commit to it completely.

3. Believe in the Change: You must approach the opposite action with the belief that it will work to shift your emotional state.

By consistently applying STOP to interrupt destructive urges and using Opposite Action to reprogram your emotional responses, you’ll slowly but surely shift from being controlled by your emotions to becoming the one in the driver's seat of your life.

©Lisa King, MS, LPC, NCC