Love is a Verb: Why We Must Stop Confusing Love with Euphoria

If you watch enough movies or listen to enough pop songs, you might start to believe that love is something that happens to you. It’s a spark, a wave of euphoria, a "gut feeling" that lets you know you’ve found "The One."

But what happens when the music stops? What happens on a Tuesday morning when you’re exhausted, the kids are screaming, or your partner has annoyed you for the third time before breakfast?

When the feeling of closeness or euphoria fades—as all feelings inevitably do—many people panic. They assume that because the feeling is gone, the love must be gone too. But this is one of the most dangerous misconceptions in relationships.

Love is not a feeling. Love is an action. It is a daily, often difficult, choice.

The Transient Nature of Feelings

Feelings are like the weather in Texas; they come and go. They are transient and constantly shifting based on our biology, our stress levels, and our environment.

It is crucial to understand that feelings are morally neutral. They are not "good" and they are not "bad." They just are. Feeling angry doesn’t make you a bad person, and feeling euphoric doesn’t make your relationship healthy.

If we base our relationships solely on the presence of positive feelings, we are building on shifting sand. When we stop feeling that "spark," it isn't necessarily a sign of a broken relationship. It is often simply a sign that the honeymoon phase has ended and the real work of love—the active phase—is beginning.

The Architecture of Love: 1 Corinthians 13

The most famous definition of love is found in the Bible, in 1 Corinthians 13. While often read at weddings as romantic poetry, this passage is actually a blueprint for action.

Notice the language used. It does not say "love feels butterflies" or "love feels excitement." It says:

• Love is patient: Patience is an action of self-restraint. It is choosing to breathe rather than snap.

• Love is kind: Kindness is an action of benevolence. It is doing something helpful even when you don't feel like it.

• Love keeps no record of wrongs: This is the active choice of forgiveness and releasing resentment.

Every attribute listed in this passage requires effort. Love is intentional. It requires showing up. It requires investment. As the saying goes, the grass isn't greener on the other side; the grass is greener where you water it. What we invest in and what we work on is ultimately what we will end up with.

Love vs. Loyalty: Breaking the "Family" Myth

There is a pervasive belief, especially within family systems, that love is synonymous with loyalty. We are told we must accept certain behaviors or maintain closeness "because we are family."

However, love and loyalty are not the same thing.

Loyalty is often about allegiance to a hierarchy or a history. It can demand blind obedience or silence in the face of dysfunction. Love, on the other hand, seeks the best for the other person and the relationship. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is set a boundary.

Love should never be demanded or expected simply due to shared DNA. Love is a gift that is freely given, but it is also a garden that must be tended. If we demand love based on loyalty without investing in the relationship through kindness, respect, and safety, we are not practicing love. We are practicing entitlement.

The Choice

If you are waiting to "feel" love before you act lovingly, you may be waiting a long time. The paradox of relationships is that often, the feeling follows the action. When we choose to be patient, when we choose to listen, when we choose to invest—even when we are tired—we are doing the heavy lifting of real love.

Love is not a feeling you fall into; it is a choice you rise to.

References & Further Reading

Biblical Reference:

• 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 (NIV): "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Psychological Concepts:

• The Triangular Theory of Love (Robert Sternberg): Suggests that "consummate love" is a combination of Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment (the conscious decision to stay).

• Action-Based Approaches: Therapeutic modalities like ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) often emphasize acting according to one's values (e.g., being a loving partner) regardless of the transient emotions being felt in the moment.