Moving Beyond "I'm Fine" in a Disconnected World

We engage in a scripted dance every single day. You bump into a colleague in the hallway, or you see a friend at the grocery store.

"Hey, how’s it going?"

"Good! You?"

"Fine, thanks."

And just like that, the interaction is over. But if we could see a thought bubble above that person’s head, it likely wouldn’t say "Good." It might say, I’m overwhelmed, I’m lonely, or I’m grieving.

We have slipped into "robot mode." We have been conditioned to believe that "How are you?" is a salutation, not a question. We instinctively feel that the asker doesn't actually want the truth, so we offer the polite, palatable lie. The result? A society of people who are physically present but emotionally invisible, crying out to be seen and heard but settling for "fine."

The Epidemic of Hidden Loneliness

We are currently facing what the U.S. Surgeon General, Dr. Vivek Murthy, has termed an "epidemic of loneliness and isolation" [1]. Despite living in the most technologically connected era in history, we feel deeply disconnected.

When we operate on autopilot, we protect ourselves from vulnerability. We worry that our problems are too heavy for others to carry, or we assume everyone else is too busy focused on their own lives to care about ours. And often, we aren’t wrong. We are distracted. We are busy. But this self-protective mechanism reinforces the isolation, creating a feedback loop where we all suffer in silence.

The Art of "Holding Space" vs. "Fixing"

One of the greatest barriers to authentic connection is the misconception that we need to be "fixers." When someone actually gathers the courage to say, "I'm not doing well," our knee-jerk reaction is often to offer a solution, a platitude ("It’ll get better!"), or advice.

However, connection doesn't require a solution; it requires presence.

This concept is often called holding space. It means being willing to walk alongside another person in whatever journey they’re on without judging them, making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them, or trying to impact the outcome [2]. It is simply sending the message: I am here. You are not alone in this.

As researcher Dr. Brené Brown notes, "Rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection" [3]. We need to shift our mindset from solving problems to witnessing humanity.

The Social Media Paradox

If our face-to-face interactions are becoming robotic, our digital interactions are becoming destructive. Social media promised to bring us together, but it has created a deep chasm between us.

Psychologists refer to the hostility often seen online as the Online Disinhibition Effect. Because we are behind a screen, unaware of the immediate visual cues of the person we are talking to (like a hurt expression or tears), we lose our "buffer" [4]. We say things via a keyboard that we would never dream of saying to a person’s face.

Furthermore, social media offers the illusion of connection without the demands of intimacy. We can "like" a photo and feel we’ve stayed in touch, but we haven't actually engaged. This "snacking" on social interaction leaves us spiritually malnourished. We consume curated highlights of other people’s lives, which only deepens our own feelings of inadequacy and isolation.

How We Can Shift the Reality

Changing this reality requires intentionality. We have to be the ones to break the script. Here is how we can start:

1. Ask Better Questions

If "How are you?" yields a robotic answer, change the input. Try asking:

• "How is your heart doing today?"

• "What’s been on your mind lately?"

• "What is one thing I can do to support you this week?"

2. The "Second Ask"

When someone says "I'm fine," pause, look them in the eyes, and ask, "How are you really?" This signals that you have the time and the desire to hear the truth.

3. Practice Active Listening (Not Fixing)

If someone opens up, resist the urge to offer advice. Try saying:

• "Thank you for trusting me with that."

• "That sounds incredibly heavy. I’m so sorry you’re carrying that."

• "I don't have the answers, but I am here with you."

4. Re-humanize the Digital Space

Before commenting online, practice the "pause." Ask yourself: If this person were sitting across from me at a dinner table, would I say this exactly the same way? If the answer is no, delete it. Furthermore, try to move interactions offline. Instead of commenting on a post, send a text or make a call.

Conclusion

We are starving for connection in a world full of noise. It is time to turn off the robot mode. We don’t need to be perfect, and we don’t need to have the answers. We just need to be brave enough to stop pretending we are "fine," and compassionate enough to sit in the dark with someone else until they find the light.

References

• [1] Office of the Surgeon General (2023). Our Epidemic of Loneliness and Isolation: The U.S. Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Healing Effects of Social Connection and Community. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

• [2] Plett, H. (2020). The Art of Holding Space: A Practice of Love, Liberation, and Leadership. Page Two.

• [3] Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. Random House. (Concept focused on Empathy vs. Sympathy).

• [4] Suler, J. (2004). "The Online Disinhibition Effect." CyberPsychology & Behavior, 7(3), 321–326.

©Lisa King, LPC