Silent Dissociation: People-Pleasing in Religious Communities

People-pleasing. The term itself often conjures images of someone simply wanting others to be happy, perhaps going the extra mile to avoid conflict. But for many, especially those who grew up in certain religious communities, people-pleasing is a far more insidious beast. It's not just about making someone smile; it's a complete and utter denial of the self, a silent dissociation from who you truly are, meticulously crafting a false self you believe everyone wants to see.

This profound self-abandonment often masquerades as virtue. It hides behind achievement, recognition, and performance – always looking good, acting good, but frequently not feeling good. In evangelical and fundamentalist communities, where phrases like "deny yourself, take up your cross, and follow me" are often recited, this dangerous tendency can become deeply ingrained.

For those of us raised in such environments, like my own experience in the Southern Baptist belief system, these teachings can be misinterpreted to mean that our own needs and wants are inconsequential, that everyone else's well-being supersedes our own. The result? A plastered smile, outward functionality, and inward battles with severe depression.

This is the hidden face of people-pleasing: a complete disconnection from your authentic self. You lose touch with your intrinsic worth, your unique desires, and your essential boundaries. The constant pursuit of external validation becomes an addiction, a relentless quest to conform to perceived expectations. Your identity becomes a reflection of others' opinions, leaving you adrift and unable to discern your own compass.

The journey to healing from this pervasive pattern is multifaceted and challenging, but absolutely essential for reclaiming your true self. It begins with a radical shift in perspective:

1. Reclaiming Your Boundaries: Understanding that "no" is a complete sentence and that your well-being is not selfish. Learning to distinguish between healthy service and self-sacrifice that depletes you.

2. Decoupling Self-Worth from External Opinion: This is perhaps the hardest truth to accept: nobody's opinion of you is your business. It's a painful but liberating realization that often, what others think has more to do with their own internal world than with yours. Not everyone will like you, and that is perfectly okay.

3. Silencing the Internal Critic, Amplifying the Inner Voice: We must learn to differentiate between genuine spiritual guidance and the internalized voices of expectation and judgment. This involves cultivating a deeper connection with your own intuition and desires.

4. Leading from the Internal, Not the External: This is the crux of true healing. Instead of constantly looking outward for validation or direction, we must learn to lead from our own internal compass – our values, our needs, our authentic desires. This doesn't mean becoming self-centered; it means becoming self-aware and self-honoring, which allows for more genuine and sustainable connection with others.

For those navigating the complexities of religious trauma and the pervasive grip of people-pleasing, know this: your true self is waiting to be rediscovered. It's a journey of unlearning deeply ingrained patterns and courageously stepping into who you were meant to be. It is a journey worth taking.

©Lisa King, MS, LPC