Slowness is Safety: Why Rushing Someone with Complex PTSD Backfires (And How to truly Help)

We have all been there. The clock is ticking, you’re running ten minutes late for an appointment, dinner reservation, or flight, and your partner or friend is still looking for their keys.

Your natural instinct is to increase the volume and intensity. "Come on, we have to go now! Hurry up!"

For a neurotypical brain, this is a social cue to pick up the pace. A little shot of adrenaline helps them focus and move faster. But if you say this to someone living with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), you aren't helping them move faster. You are likely paralyzing them completely.

Unlike standard PTSD, which is often tied to a single terrifying event, C-PTSD stems from prolonged, repeated trauma—often interpersonal, like childhood abuse or long-term domestic violence. This rewires their nervous system to be a hyper-sensitive smoke detector, constantly scanning for danger.

When you apply pressure to someone with C-PTSD, you aren't just asking for speed. You are unwittingly tripping their internal alarm system. Here is why "hurrying" is so toxic to a traumatized brain, concrete examples of what happens when you try, and how to build a better framework for those inevitable time crunches.

1. Urgency is Interpreted as Danger

The fundamental thing to understand about C-PTSD is that the body’s threat-detection system is broken. It perceives harmless things as life-threatening.

When you introduce urgency into your tone or body language, their brain’s amygdala (the fear center) lights up. Their body dumps cortisol and adrenaline into their system. You think you are saying, "Let's be efficient." Their body hears, "There is a tiger in the room; prepare to fight or flee."

People with C-PTSD have a very narrow "window of tolerance" for stress. Urgency pushes them right out of that window, sending them straight into a survival state of panic or a total shutdown mode where they feel numb and frozen.

2. The Paradox: Rushing Makes Them Slower

This is the most frustrating part for the person doing the rushing, but it’s terrifying for the person experiencing it. When the survival brain takes over due to the stress of being rushed, the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain responsible for logic, planning, finding keys, and making decisions—essentially goes offline.

If you pressure someone with C-PTSD to perform a task quickly, they may suddenly become clumsy, forgetful, or genuinely confused. They aren't being difficult; they are experiencing trauma-induced brain fog. The more you push, the fewer cognitive resources they have available to actually do what you are asking.

3. It Mimics Past Abuse Dynamics

C-PTSD often develops in environments where the victim had zero control, no voice, and no ability to set their own pace. They had to move when told to move, or face consequences. When you rush someone, you are removing their agency. You are sending the implicit message: "My timeline is more important than your internal state."

Being forced to act before their nervous system feels ready can be deeply triggering. It can unconsciously remind their body of past traumas where they were coerced into compliance. It feels less like a request to hurry, and more like a demand for submission.

4. It Triggers the "Fawn" Response

We know about Fight, Flight, and Freeze. But many with C-PTSD rely on the "Fawn" response—people-pleasing and immediate compliance to avoid conflict and ensure safety. If you rush them with enough intensity, they might agree to things they don't want to do, just to de-escalate your energy so they can feel safe again. They aren't authentically agreeing; they are performing compliance to make the threat (your impatience) go away. This leads to resentment and burnout later on.

Real-Life Examples: The Ripple Effect of Rushing

It can be hard to visualize how a simple "hurry up" can cause so much damage. Here are three scenarios illustrating the difference between intent and impact.

Scenario 1: The Morning Rush

The Situation: You need to leave for work in five minutes. Your partner with C-PTSD is staring blankly at the closet.

• If you rush them: You snap, "We don't have time for this, just pick a shirt, let's go!"

• The C-PTSD Result: Their brain floods with adrenaline. They immediately enter a "Freeze" state. Now, they aren't just slow; they are physically incapable of making a decision. They might start crying or hyperventilating. You are now definitely going to be late, and they will spend the rest of the day regulating a massive shame spiral.

Scenario 2: Making Decisions

The Situation: You are at a restaurant and the server is waiting.

• If you rush them: You tap the menu impatiently and say, "They’re waiting on us. Just pick something already."

• The C-PTSD Result: The pressure triggers the "Fawn" response. Terrified of being a burden or causing a scene, they panic-order the first thing they see, perhaps something they hate or are allergic to. They spend the meal feeling small, resentful, and angry at themselves for not having a voice.

Scenario 3: Emotional Processing

The Situation: They are upset about a minor conflict that happened two days ago.

• If you rush them: You sigh and say, "Are we still talking about this? You need to just let it go and move on."

• The C-PTSD Result: This activates toxic shame. The message received is: Emotions are unsafe here. I am "too much." I am broken because I can't just "switch it off." They don't move on faster; instead, they withdraw from you entirely because you have signaled that you are not a safe harbor for their messy reality.

The Game Changer: Proactive Conversations in Calm Moments

Trying to navigate trauma responses when you are already ten minutes late for the airport is impossible. In that moment, their prefrontal cortex is offline, and your stress levels are too high to be patient. The real work happens when things are calm.

Healing C-PTSD is about restoring a sense of agency and safety that was stolen. If you want to support your loved one during time crunches, you must shift from dictating outcomes (e.g., "You need to be ready at 8:00") to collaborating on needs (e.g., "What helps you get ready safely?").

Schedule a time to talk when you are both relaxed—over coffee on a Saturday morning, or during a quiet evening walk. This conversation isn't about criticizing their slowness; it’s about team-building against the trauma responses.

Here is how to structure that conversation using collaborative, non-judgmental questions:

1. Define the shared reality without blame.

• "I’ve noticed that when we are running late, I get stressed and impatient, and that seems to really panic you, making things harder for both of us. I want to change that dynamic so we both feel okay."

2. Ask about their internal experience.

• "Can you help me understand what happens inside your body when I say 'hurry up'?"

• "What is the earliest sign that you are becoming overwhelmed during a transition?"

3. Collaborate on safety cues.

• "We know that sometimes life has deadlines (like flights). When those happen, what are safe ways for me to communicate time constraints to you without triggering your alarm system?"

• (Example: Some people prefer a calm "10-minute warning" countdown rather than sudden energetic pushing.)

4. Identify their actual needs vs. your expectations.

• Instead of dictating how they should get ready, ask: "What concrete support do you need from me when you are frozen? Do you need me to gently offer two choices of shoes? Do you need me to leave the room so you can regulate? Do you need a hug?"

By having this conversation in calm times, you are giving them back their voice. You are building a plan with them, not for them. When the next time crunch inevitably happens, you aren't just rushing; you are executing a pre-agreed safety plan together.

References and Further Reading

If you want to understand more about the mechanisms of C-PTSD, trauma responses, and how the nervous system processes threat, these foundational texts are highly recommended:

• Herman, Judith. Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence—From Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. (This is the seminal work that first proposed the diagnosis of Complex PTSD).

• Van der Kolk, Bessel. The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. (Essential reading on how trauma affects neurobiology and physiology).

• Walker, Pete. Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving: A Guide and Map for Recovering from Childhood Trauma. (An excellent, practical resource written from both a clinical and lived-experience perspective, detailing responses like "Fawning").

• Porges, Stephen W. The Polyvagal Theory: Neurophysiological Foundations of Emotions, Attachment, Communication, and Self-regulation. (Explains the science behind why nervous systems shut down or go into fight/flight under perceived threat).

©Lisa King, LPC