Stop Screaming into the Void: The Art of Conserving Your Energy

There is a specific kind of exhaustion that comes from trying to explain your heart to someone who is committed to misunderstanding it.

We have all been there. You explain your perspective again, perhaps using different words, a softer tone, or a better analogy. You think, “If I can just make them see where I’m coming from, they will validate my pain.” You pour your energy, your vulnerability, and your time into the conversation. But instead of a bridge being built, you are met with a blank stare, a defensive retort, or a dismissal. You leave the interaction feeling drained, invisible, and lonely.

It is time to stop screaming into the void. It is time to accept a hard truth:

Some people are committed to not understanding you.

The Myth of "If I Try Harder"

We often operate under the assumption that communication is purely a matter of effort. We believe that if we are articulate enough, patient enough, or vulnerable enough, the other person will eventually "get it."

However, communication requires a receiver, not just a transmitter. If the receiver is turned off, broken, or tuned to a completely different frequency, your message will never land.

You need to realize that the lack of understanding is rarely about your inability to explain; it is about their inability (or refusal) to receive.

Why They Don’t Get It (And Maybe Never Will)

When you are on a journey of healing and growth, you naturally want to bring the people you love along with you. But you will encounter three distinct barriers in others:

1. Lack of Capacity (Emotional Immaturity)

Some people simply do not have the emotional hardware to process deep perspectives. If someone is emotionally immature, they likely struggle with empathy and self-reflection. They view your expression of feelings as an attack because they cannot separate their ego from your reality. Asking them to understand your complex inner world is like asking a toddler to solve a calculus problem. It isn't that they are refusing to solve it; they simply lack the developmental capacity to do so.

2. Lack of Willingness (The Safe Bubble)

Growth is terrifying for many people. To understand your perspective—especially if your perspective involves trauma, change, or breaking generational cycles—they would have to examine their own lives. They would have to look at the dark corners they have spent decades avoiding.

These people are committed to staying stagnant because stagnation feels safe. They live in a bubble of denial. When you speak your truth, you threaten to pop that bubble. They don't want to understand you, because understanding you would require them to change.

3. The Commitment to Stagnation

There are those who find comfort in their misery or their rigid worldview. They have built their identity around being right, being the victim, or maintaining the status quo. Your growth shines a light on their stagnation, and rather than joining you in the light, they will try to pull you back into the dark.

The Loneliness of Leveling Up

When you stop engaging in these circular battles, you may feel a sudden, sharp sense of isolation.

If you are the one in your family or friend group who is breaking patterns, going to therapy, and deconstructing old beliefs, you will eventually outgrow people. That is painful. It can feel incredibly lonely to look around and realize the people who have known you the longest are the ones who see you the least.

But this loneliness is temporary. It is the vacuum created when you clear out the clutter to make room for something better.

Reclaiming Your Power

When you stop trying to convince people to understand you, you take your power back.

Every time you try to justify, argue, defend, or explain (JADE) yourself to someone committed to misunderstanding you, you are handing them your energy. You are letting them determine your worthiness.

Reclaiming your power looks like:

• Observing, not absorbing: Seeing their lack of understanding as data about them, not a judgment on you.

• Accepting reality: Acknowledging that "this person is currently incapable of meeting me here," and grieving that fact rather than fighting it.

• Redirecting energy: Taking all that effort you used to spend on explaining, and pouring it into your own healing, creativity, and peace.

Curating Your Circle

The antidote to the void is not to scream louder; it is to walk away and find a new room.

Focus on surrounding yourself with people who are also doing the work. Look for the people who are:

• Committed to healing and self-reflection.

• Capable of holding space for a perspective that differs from their own.

• Adjusting their lens to see the nuance of life.

When you find these people, you won’t have to exhaust yourself explaining your existence. You will speak, and they will nod. You will share, and they will validate. You will realize that you weren't speaking a foreign language all those years; you were just speaking to the wrong audience.

Stop knocking on doors that are nailed shut. Turn around. There are open doors waiting for you.

References: The Psychology of Being Misunderstood

For those interested in the "why" behind these dynamics, here are a few psychological concepts that explain why some people will never understand your perspective:

• The Backfire Effect (Cognitive Bias):

Research in psychology suggests that when people are presented with evidence that contradicts their deeply held beliefs (or self-image), they don't change their minds; they actually double down and believe their original lie even more strongly. Your "truth" is perceived as a threat to their psychological safety.

• Emotional Immaturity (Dr. Lindsay Gibson):

In her work regarding Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, Dr. Gibson explains that emotionally immature people are often ruled by their immediate emotional reactions and are "self-preoccupied." They perceive reality only through how it affects them. They lack the "empathy bandwidth" to step outside their own ego to view your perspective.

• Ego Defense Mechanisms (Projection and Denial):

According to Freudian defense theory (and modern Vaillant categorization), people use denial to refuse to accept reality because it is too painful. If your perspective forces them to confront their own failures or trauma, their subconscious will block that understanding to protect their ego.

• Theory of Mind Deficits:

While often associated with neurodivergence, a functional deficit in "Theory of Mind" can occur in narcissism and high-conflict personalities. This is the inability to attribute mental states—beliefs, intents, desires, emotions—to oneself and others and to understand that others have beliefs, desires, and intentions that are different from one's own.

©Lisa King, LPC