The Cost of "Kiss and Make Up": Why Forced Forgiveness Hurts More Than It Heals

In many households, particularly those with high-control dynamics or rigid religious structures, conflict resolution often follows a predictable script. Two children fight, tears are shed, and a parent steps in with a command: “Say you’re sorry. Now, say I forgive you.”

It seems like the right thing to do. We want peace. We want our children to be kind. But when we force a child to verbalize forgiveness before they have emotionally processed the hurt, we aren’t teaching them to forgive. We are teaching them to perform.

For children raised in environments where

obedience is prized above emotional safety, this "performative forgiveness" can sow the seeds of lifelong resentment, people-pleasing, and shame.

The High-Control Trap: Peace at Any Price

In high-control or strictly religious families, forgiveness is often treated as a mandate rather than a process. Children may be taught that anger is a sin or that holding onto hurt is a sign of a "bad spirit." Consequently, the pressure to forgive becomes immediate.

When a child is forced to accept an apology—often for a transgression they are still reeling from—they learn to bypass their own internal alarm systems. They learn that their pain is an inconvenience to the family unit.

Psychologically, this breeds resentment and shame. If a child feels angry but is told they must forgive to be "good," they internalize a dangerous message: “My feelings are wrong. I am bad for still being hurt.” This dissonance is a breeding ground for shame.

Furthermore, this dynamic creates people-pleasing behaviors (often a trauma response known as "fawning"). The child learns that keeping the peace and managing the emotions of others is more important than their own safety or reality. They become adults who say "it's okay" when it is absolutely not okay, simply to avoid conflict.

The "Quick Fix" Apology in Adulthood

The impact of this upbringing often resurfaces when these children become adults and attempt to confront their parents about past hurts.

It is a common and painful dynamic: An adult child finally gathers the courage to tell a parent how they were hurt growing up. The parent, sensing the tension, offers a quick, sweeping apology. “I’m sorry for whatever I did. I guess I was just a terrible mother/father.”

On the surface, it looks like an apology. But often, it is a defense mechanism.

When a parent apologizes immediately without asking questions, reflecting, or sitting with the discomfort of what they have done, they are not engaging in repair. They are engaging in emotional exit strategies. They are saying what the child wants to hear to stop the conversation and alleviate their own shame.

True accountability requires the parent to tolerate their own guilt long enough to understand the child's pain. A quick "I'm sorry" that shuts down further discussion is just another form of silencing.

A Better Way: Modeling Repair Over Perfection

If we want to raise emotionally healthy children who understand true forgiveness, we must stop forcing it and start modeling it.

Forgiveness cannot be coerced; it must be chosen. Here is what healthy forgiveness and accountability look like in a functional family:

1. Validate the Hurt Before Asking for Peace

Before rushing to resolution, acknowledge the reality of the event. Instead of "Say you're sorry," try: "I see that you are really hurt/angry. It makes sense that you are upset." Children need to know their feelings are valid before they can let them go.

2. Teach "Repair" Instead of Just "Sorry"

An apology is just words. Repair is action. Teach children that saying sorry is the beginning, not the end.

• Unhealthy: "Say sorry to your sister."

• Healthy: "You knocked down her tower and she is sad. What can you do to help repair this? Do you think helping her rebuild it would help?"

3. Model Accountability as a Parent

The most powerful tool you have is your own fallibility. When you snap at your child or make a mistake, do not brush it off. Sit down and offer a genuine apology.

• The Anatomy of a Genuine Apology:

1. Acknowledge the act: "I yelled at you earlier."

2. Acknowledge the impact: "That must have been scary and hurt your feelings."

3. Take responsibility (no "buts"): "I was frustrated, but it is not okay for me to yell at you like that."

4. Plan for change: "Next time I feel that frustrated, I am going to take a timeout so I don't raise my voice."

4. Separate Forgiveness from Trust

In healthy families, children are taught that you can forgive someone (let go of the anger) without immediately trusting them again. If a sibling breaks a toy on purpose, the other child can forgive them, but they are also allowed to set a boundary: "I forgive you, but I'm not going to let you play with my special Lego set for a while." This teaches boundaries rather than resentment.

Breaking the Cycle

Moving from a control-based model of forgiveness to a relational one is difficult work, especially if you were raised to believe that instant forgiveness was a virtue.

But by slowing down, validating the hurt, and modeling true repair, we give our children a gift far greater than a forced truce. We give them the permission to be human, the safety to trust their own feelings, and the skills to build genuine, lasting relationships.

References & Further Reading

For those interested in the psychological underpinnings of these concepts, the following resources provide the evidentiary basis for this post:

• On the effects of forced forgiveness:

• Worthington, E. L. (2006). Forgiveness and Reconciliation: Theory and Application. This text distinguishes between decisional forgiveness (which can be forced/transactional) and emotional forgiveness (which takes time), noting that rushing the latter can lead to psychological distress.

• Enright, R. D., & Fitzgibbons, R. P. (2015). Forgiveness Therapy. Research highlighting that forgiveness is a developmental process; forcing it prematurely in children can bypass the necessary "anger phase" required for emotional regulation.

• On high-control/religious family dynamics:

• Winell, M. (1993). Leaving the Fold. Discusses the concept of "religious trauma" and how authoritarian religious structures often mandate "spiritual bypassing"—using spiritual ideas (like forgiveness) to sidestep unresolved emotional issues.

• Gladding, S. T. (2014). Family Therapy: History, Theory, and Practice. explores how "enmeshed" or rigid family systems use forced consensus (fake peace) to avoid the anxiety of conflict.

• On parental apologies and accountability:

• Lerner, H. (2017). Why Won't You Apologize? A seminal book on the psychology of apologies, explaining how "quick" apologies often serve to silence the victim and protect the offender from shame.

• Siegel, D. J., & Hartzell, M. (2003). Parenting from the Inside Out. Discusses the importance of "rupture and repair." It argues that the repair (the apology and processing) is actually more important for attachment than being a perfect parent.

• On people-pleasing and "Fawning":

• Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Defines the "Fawn" response as a coping mechanism developed in childhood where a child merges with the needs of the parent/aggressor to ensure safety, often manifesting later as an inability to hold boundaries or grudges.