The Courage to Say Goodbye: Why My Family and I Left the Church

This is not a post to shame anyone who finds comfort, community, or meaning within the walls of a church. If your faith tradition nurtures your spirit and empowers you to be a kinder human, I genuinely celebrate that. This is simply my story—a story of courage, clarity, and the freedom my husband, my two boys, and I found when we finally walked away from the modern institutional church.

We didn't leave because we lost our faith. We left because the institution itself began to actively work against the spiritual and emotional health of our family.

When the Institution Prioritizes Image Over Integrity

The most damaging realization for us was the consistent failure of the church structure to handle crises, especially those involving abuse or misconduct. Instead of an environment of accountability and true restorative justice, we often saw a pattern of calculated protectionism:

• Sweeping it Under the Rug: Criminal acts or severe moral failings, particularly by staff or high-profile members, were often not reported to legal authorities. The priority became preserving the church’s image, budget, and power structure, rather than protecting the victim.

• Victim-Blaming and Scapegoating: The person who experienced the abuse or misconduct often became the scapegoat. Their testimony was questioned, their story was picked apart, and they were often blamed for putting themselves in a compromising situation. The injured party was effectively silenced and exiled, while the perpetrator was quietly "rehabilitated" or simply moved to a different location.

• Public Shaming as Diversion: For certain non-criminal moral failings, the church would occasionally make a person a public spectacle. It became a modern-day Scarlet Letter—a public admonishment designed not for genuine growth or learning, but to serve as a diversion. By loudly shaming one individual, the focus was pulled away from the systemic issues and unhealthy environments that often foster such behavior in the first place.

This lack of genuine, ethical accountability created an environment we simply could not ask our children to be a part of.

The Anxiety of Performative Faith and Mixed Messages

Beyond the issue of accountability, the day-to-day experience of church created deep anxiety for us. The modern service often feels less like a worship experience and more like a performance with an audience.

• The Performers and the Audience: From the preacher and the highly polished band to the special music solos, there is a clear distinction between those who are on stage and those who are in the seats. This structure inherently reinforces a consumerist, passive approach to faith.

• "Come As You Are"—But Don't Stay That Way: The most confusing and destructive message we received was the invitation to "come as you are." That initial welcome quickly transitioned into an undercurrent of shame and judgment. While true growth is a worthy pursuit, the message became: "Who you are right now is not who God made you to be, and you must rapidly change to meet our specific standard."

• The Problem of Doubt and Questioning: In our experience, there was little to no room for genuine doubt or deep questions. When you probe the tenets of the faith or the structure of the institution too closely, you are quickly branded a problem—someone who is "not close to God" or needs to "go back and read the Bible more." The lack of intellectual safety and the shutting down of honest inquiry led to significant spiritual anxiety.

A Courageous Step Toward True Freedom

Leaving was not easy. When your entire identity, social circle, and extended family life revolve around a single institution, walking away feels like voluntarily isolating yourself. You know the price you will pay: judgment from those who believe your choice means you no longer love God, the severing of relationships, and the quiet conclusion that you have become "of the world." To add to all of that, there is the well-meaning person who usually likes to say something like, "I know there are churches that are like that, but so glad that our church is not." These types of responses are very common and have good intentions, but feel very dismissive to the person who has had to dismantle their entire support system.

The irony is this: My spiritual life is clearer, and more intimate than it ever was inside the church. Without all the competing voices, the doctrinal confusion, and the constant pressure to perform, I have finally found a faith that is personal and free.

If you are reading this and you have also taken the courageous step to leave—or if you are standing on the precipice right now—please know this:

You are not alone.

It takes incredible courage and integrity to choose your own spiritual and mental well-being over the comfort of conformity. There is a whole community of people who celebrate your decision to shed the pressure, step away from environments that cause harm, and pursue a life that is truly free, without everyone else’s fingerprints all over your soul.

We left to save our faith, and in doing so, we reclaimed ourselves.

©Lisa King, MS, LPC, NCC