The Hardest Love: Setting Boundaries When Someone You Care About is Struggling with Addiction

If you are reading this, chances are your heart is breaking.

Loving someone struggling with addiction is a unique kind of torture. It is a relentless pendulum swing between hope and devastation, compassion and fury, desperately wanting to save them and desperately needing to save yourself. You watch the person you know—the funny, smart, kind person they truly are—slowly disappear behind the shadow of their addiction.

You want to help. It’s a natural human instinct when someone we love is hurting. But in the landscape of addiction, "help" can become twisted. The lines blur, and suddenly, your love becomes the very thing keeping them sick, and the chaos of their life begins to swallow yours whole.

If you feel like you are drowning in someone else's crisis, this post is for you. We need to talk about the hardest thing you will ever have to do: setting boundaries.

Here is how to navigate the impossible balance of loving them, supporting them, but refusing to let their addiction take over your life.

The Vital Distinction: Helping vs. Enabling

Before we talk about boundaries, we must understand the difference between helping and enabling. This is often the hardest hurdle for loved ones because enabling feels like love. It often comes from a place of deep fear—fear that if you don’t step in, they will die, end up in jail, or hit rock bottom.

But addiction thrives in the dark. It needs a cushion to survive. Enabling is providing that cushion.

Helping is doing something for someone that they are incapable of doing for themselves in that moment, which supports their recovery.

Enabling is doing things for someone that they can and should do for themselves, which insulates them from the consequences of their addiction.

If you remove the natural consequences of their actions, they have no reason to change.

The Cheat Sheet:

• Helping: Driving them to a rehab interview they set up; attending a family therapy session with them; bringing them groceries when they are sober and trying to get back on their feet; telling them you love them.

• Enabling: Giving them cash when you know it will go to drugs/alcohol/gambling/sex/compulsive spending; bailing them out of jail repeatedly; calling their boss to say they are sick when they are hungover; lying to the rest of the family to "cover" for their behavior; allowing them to be verbally abusive toward you because _________.

The Mantra: You are not responsible for their addiction. You are not responsible for their recovery. You are only responsible for how you respond to both.

The Game Changer: Boundaries

If enabling is the disease of the relationship, boundaries are the medicine.

A boundary is not a punishment. It is not an ultimatum designed to control their behavior. A boundary is a measure of self-preservation. It is you deciding what you will and will not tolerate in your life. It is the fence around your emotional yard.

When you set a boundary with an addicted person, you are essentially saying: "I love you too much to watch you destroy yourself, and I love myself too much to go down with you."

How to Set a Boundary (The "If/Then" Formula)

Boundaries must be clear, concrete, and enforceable. Vague promises don't work with addiction. The best framework is "If you do X, then I must do Y to protect myself."

• The Boundary: "I want to spend time with you, but I will not be around you when you are actively in your addiction."

• The Action: If they show up high, you leave or ask them to leave.

• The Boundary: "I cannot give you money anymore. I love you, but I won't fund your addiction."

• The Action: When they ask for cash, the answer is simply "No." (Prepare for anger; hold the line anyway).

• The Boundary: "I will not tolerate being yelled at or threatened."

• The Action: The moment the voice raises, you hang up the phone or walk out of the room.

The Deep End: When Mental Illness Complicates Addiction

The situation becomes infinitely more complex when the person you love has a "dual diagnosis"—addiction co-occurring with mental health struggles like Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), Bipolar Disorder, or Complex PTSD (CPTSD).

When these conditions overlap, the behaviors can be terrifying and confusing.

• BPD can bring intense fear of abandonment, leading to manipulative behavior or explosive rage when you try to set a boundary.

• Bipolar manic episodes can look shockingly similar to stimulant-induced highs, making it hard to know what you are dealing with.

• CPTSD triggers can cause them to shut down or lash out in ways that feel disproportionate to the situation.

Why Boundaries Matter Even More Here:

Family members often get trapped in the "analysis paralysis." Is this the addiction talking? Is this a manic episode? Is this a trauma response?

Here is the hard truth: You do not need to be their psychiatrist to set a boundary.

You cannot manage their mental health for them any more than you can manage their addiction. Harmful behavior is harmful behavior, regardless of its root cause.

If someone with BPD is threatening self-harm because you won't give them money for their addiction, that is emotional manipulation. It is terrifying, but giving in only reinforces that the manipulation works. In complex cases like this, your boundary might need to be: "If you threaten self-harm, I will not debate with you; I will immediately call 911 because that is above my pay grade."

When mental illness is involved, professional help for you is non-negotiable. You need a therapist who understands these dynamics to help you distinguish between supporting their mental health and enabling their toxicity.

Loving Them Without Losing You: The Path Forward

You can love someone deeply and still refuse to be a casualty of their war. In recovery circles, this is often called "Detaching with Love."

It means stepping back from the chaos of their addiction while remaining emotionally supportive of the person. It means releasing the illusion of control.

1. Accept the Three C's: I can only Change myself, I can’t Control my loved one and I can’t Cure them.

2. Put On Your Own Oxygen Mask First: You cannot pour from an empty cup. If your life is entirely focused on their crises, you will burn out. You need sleep, hobbies, friends unrelated to the addict, and your own therapy.

3. Find Your Tribe: Addiction thrives on secrecy and shame. Break the silence. Groups like Al-Anon, Nar-Anon and CODA are life-saving. Being in a room with people who nod their heads and say, "I know exactly what you are going through," is profound medicine.

Setting boundaries feels terrible at first. It feels mean. You will feel guilty. They will likely become angry, manipulative, or distant. They may get worse before they get better.

Hold the line anyway.

Boundaries are the only way to create a space where a healthy relationship might eventually exist again. And more importantly, they are the only way you survive the storm. You are worthy of a peaceful life, even if your loved one isn't ready to choose one for themselves yet.

©Lisa King, LPC