The Holy Ego: Why Religion Becomes a Hideout for Narcissism

Drive down a specific corridor of the highway not far from my home in North Texas, and you will see a fascinating, yet troubling, architectural phenomenon. In a span of less than five minutes, you can pass at least ten different churches. Two of them sit literally right next door to one another.

On the surface, this looks like a thriving spiritual community. But if you look closer, it represents something else: a deep, fragmentation based on the belief that "We have it right, and they have it wrong."

If the message is universal love and unity, why the need for ten different buildings? The answer often lies in the psychology of exclusivity. This specific stretch of highway is a physical manifestation of a spiritual problem: the need to be the "correct" one.

Unfortunately, this environment—specifically within American Evangelicalism—has become a breeding ground for the "know-it-all," the condescending, and the narcissist.

The Theology of Superiority

Narcissism thrives on hierarchy and superiority. For a narcissist, being "average" is a fate worse than death. Religion offers the ultimate pedestal: Moral Superiority.

When a denomination or a specific church leader teaches that their interpretation of scripture is the only correct one, it naturally fosters a spirit of condescension. It creates an "Us vs. Them" mentality where the "Us" is enlightened, saved, and holy, and the "Them" is lost, wrong, or dangerous.

For the narcissist, this is like oxygen. They don't just have an opinion; they have God’s opinion. This allows them to look down on others not just with arrogance, but with "holy concern." They aren't being mean; they are "speaking the truth in love." It is condescension wrapped in the language of divinity.

Why Narcissists Get a "Pass" in Church

One of the most painful realities for survivors of religious trauma is watching their abuser—be it a pastor, a deacon, or a highly visible congregant—receive praise while the victim is silenced. How does this happen?

Narcissists are masters of camouflage, and the church provides the perfect cover.

1. The Weaponization of Forgiveness

In many high-control religious environments, forgiveness is weaponized. If a leader acts narcissistically—dominating conversations, bullying volunteers, or manipulating emotions—and is called out, they can quickly pivot to a message of grace. "We are all sinners," they say. To hold them accountable is framed as being "unforgiving" or "bitter." The narcissist gets a pass because the culture prioritizes "keeping the peace" over exposing the rot.

2. Charisma is Mistaken for Anointing

Narcissists are often charming, charismatic, and articulate. In a religious context, these traits are frequently mistaken for "anointing" or the favor of God. A leader who dominates the stage is seen as "powerful in the Spirit," rather than someone with an insatiable need for attention. Because they look the part, we assume they are the part.

3. The "Positivity" Trap

Narcissists often hide behind a facade of relentless positivity. They preach kindness, compassion, and "having a positive attitude." This makes the victim look like the problem. If you bring up a grievance, you are the "negative" one. You are the "accuser." The narcissist maintains the image of the benevolent shepherd, while the person crying out for help is labeled a wolf.

Inoculating the Congregation

Perhaps the most dangerous dynamic is how leaders inoculate their congregations with their own narcissism. By constantly emphasizing their own spiritual authority—asserting that they are "ordained by God" or "called"—they create a shield of immunity. They teach the congregation that to question the leader is to question God Himself. This is spiritual blackmail.

Congregants are conditioned to believe that the leader is "above board" simply because they hold the title. They assume the leader is operating within the will of God, even when their behavior screams the opposite. This allows the leader to act with impunity. They can be cruel, dismissive, and manipulative, all while the congregation defends them, saying, "Touch not God's anointed."

The "Right" Way vs. The Healthy Way

That stretch of highway in North Texas is a reminder that the drive to be "right" often overtakes the command to be loving.

If you have experienced this—if you have been looked down upon for doing things the "wrong" way, or if you have been the victim of a "holy" narcissist who used scripture to silence you—please know this: Your perception is real.

True spirituality does not require the subjugation of others to elevate itself. It does not look down on the church next door, and it certainly does not protect the powerful at the expense of the wounded. Healing begins when we stop trying to be "right" and start being honest about what is happening in our pews.

Books:

• When Narcissism Comes to Church: Healing Your Community From Emotional and Spiritual Abuse by Chuck DeGroat

• Something’s Not Right: Decoding the Hidden Tactics of Abuse—and Freeing Yourself from Its Power by Wade Mullen

• Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion by Marlene Winell, Ph.D

Article:

• "The Narcissist in the Pulpit" by Joe Navarro M.A., Psychology Today

©Lisa King, LPC