The Wiring of Obedience: Why High-Control Religion Inhibits Real Intimacy

For many who walk away from high-control religious environments—whether fundamentalist, evangelical, or strictly traditional—the hardest part isn't necessarily the theological debate. The hardest part is the lingering, unnamable distance they feel in their relationships.

It is a specific kind of loneliness. You can be in a room full of people, or sitting next to a spouse you’ve known for decades, and still feel an invisible wall.

We often assume this is a spiritual failing or a personality flaw. But if you dig deeper into the psychology of high-control systems, a different truth emerges. The distance isn't in your head; it’s in your nervous system.

Beliefs vs. Biology

When we talk about deconstruction, we usually talk about changing our minds. We analyze doctrines, study history, and rethink our politics. But for those raised in systems where obedience was paramount, religion didn’t just shape their beliefs—it shaped their biological wiring.

In a high-control environment, safety is conditional. It is predicated on agreement. If you obey, you belong. If you disagree, you are in danger—of punishment, of shame, or of losing your community. When a developing child learns that "disagreement is danger," their nervous system adapts to survive. It learns to scan the room instead of relaxing in it. It prioritizes compliance over curiosity and presentation over presence.

This isn't because you were weak. It’s because your body was smart. It did what it had to do to keep you safe. But that survival mechanism comes at a steep cost: it makes authentic intimacy impossible.

You Cannot Build Intimacy on Fear

Real emotional intimacy requires three things that fundamentalism rarely trains us for:

1. Honesty without fear.

2. Curiosity without repercussions.

3. Questions without the threat of exile.

In contrast, high-control systems often teach that your natural instincts are fallen, your emotions are suspect, and your worth is tied to how well you follow the rules. This creates a rule that the nervous system follows long after you leave the church building: Hide the parts of yourself that might cost you connection.

You cannot build emotional safety inside a framework that treats the "real you" as a problem that needs fixing. As a result, these communities often excel at creating "behavioral compliance"—looking close, acting right, saying the proper things—but fail at creating true emotional closeness.

The Parenting Trap: Attachment Disruption as "Discipline"

This dynamic is perhaps most damaging in the realm of parenting. Many of us grew up under the influence of teachings (like those of Bill Gothard or James Dobson) that were marketed as "godly discipline" but instead, functioned as nervous system programming.

These methods taught parents to override a child’s natural cues, suppress their emotions, and punish fear. When you teach a parent to ignore a child’s internal reality in favor of external obedience, you aren't engaging in spiritual formation; you are engaging in attachment disruption.

This is why, for parents breaking the cycle, a child’s doubt can actually be a beautiful thing. If your child feels safe enough to voice their doubts, their fears, or their disagreement to you, do not panic. That is not rebellion. That is the sign of a secure attachment. It means they trust you enough to reveal their honest internal world.

The "Guilt Lump" and the Phantom Limb

Even years after leaving, you may feel a lump of guilt when you skip a Sunday service, or a spike of anxiety when you read a "worldly" book. It is vital to recognize that this sensation is not the Holy Spirit. It is conditioning.

For many families, the structure of the church acted as a pacemaker—a rhythmic regulator that kept the family unit from falling apart. It provided a sense of safety, even if that safety was mixed with fear. When you step away from that regulator, your body remembers the calm moments and sends off alarm bells because the familiar rhythm is gone.

Breaking the Cycle

If you are currently navigating this, know that you are not broken for craving something deeper than compliance. You are not rebellious for wanting to be known rather than just "behaved."

You are simply finally listening to the parts of your body that never felt safe enough to speak before.

Breaking the cycle feels wrong at first. Freedom often feels like rebellion when fear was your first language. But the work you are doing is profound.

You are dismantling a system of performance to build a foundation of connection. You are trading the safety of obedience for the risk—and the reward—of being real.

On Religious Trauma and High-Control Systems:

• Winell, M. (2006). Leaving the Fold: A Guide for Former Fundamentalists and Others Leaving Their Religion. Apocryphile Press.

• Hassan, S. (2013). Freedom of Mind: Helping Loved Ones Leave Controlling People, Cults, and Beliefs. Freedom of Mind Press.

On Attachment Theory and Religion:

• Granqvist, P., & Kirkpatrick, L. A. (2013). "Religion, Spirituality, and Attachment." In K. I. Pargament, J. J. Exline, & J. W. Jones (Eds.), APA Handbook of Psychology, Religion, and Spirituality (Vol. 1, pp. 122–141). American Psychological Association.

• Clinton, T., & Straub, J. (2010). God Attachment: Why You Believe, Act, and Feel the Way You Do About God. Howard Books.

On the Nervous System and Trauma:

• van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.

• Dana, D. (2018). The Polyvagal Theory in Therapy: Engaging the Rhythm of Regulation. W. W. Norton & Company.

Critiques of Authoritarian Parenting in Religious Contexts:

• Du Mez, K. R. (2020). Jesus and John Wayne: How White Evangelicals Corrupted a Faith and Fractured a Nation. Liveright. (Provides historical context on figures like James Dobson).

• Gungor, M. (2021). The Most Beautiful Thing I've Seen: Journeys through Dread, Hope, and Wonder. (A personal narrative that touches on the effects of these systems).

©Lisa King, LPC