The Myth of "Getting Over It": Why We Say That Trauma Healing is a Journey, Not a Destination

We live in a world obsessed with speed and convenience. From same-day delivery to instant answers, we've been conditioned to expect quick fixes for everything—even the deep, intricate work of trauma healing.

If you've ever started on the path to recovering from past trauma, you know the all-too-common refrain: “Why can’t you just get over it? It’s in the past.” 

This sentiment, often spoken with good intentions, completely misses the mark on what trauma is and how the human body processes it.

The Past is Not Always the Past

When a traumatic event occurs, it doesn't just register as a memory; it’s encoded into your nervous system. Even when the event is chronologically over, the body can remain stuck in a present-tense threat response.

Think of your nervous system like a car stuck in high idle. It’s constantly revving, ready to flee or fight, even when there's no immediate danger. This is why a sudden noise, a specific smell, or a particular interaction can instantly transport you back to the emotional state of a past trauma.

When someone tells you, "It’s in the past," they are often focusing on their own discomfort. They don’t like the inconvenience of seeing someone struggle, and they certainly don't want to feel the weight of what you've endured.

Therapy Isn't About Erasure—It's About Integration

What does it truly mean to heal from trauma?

It's not about erasing the memory, finding a magic button to turn off the pain, or proving you can "survive" the way generations past supposedly did.

The true work of therapy is about integration. It's about learning to:

• Live with what you went through in a way that is healthy and emotionally sustainable.

• Regulate a nervous system that learned to live in perpetual fight-or-flight.

• Create new narratives for your life that aren't solely defined by what happened to you.

The goal isn't to be untouched by your history; it's to be able to touch your history without being destroyed by it. It’s a never-ending journey that will still have bad days, because you are a complex human being, not a machine.

The Selfishness of Expectation

Many people will tell you it's selfish to “impose your problems on others.” But the deeper truth is that it is far more selfish to expect a person to act the way you want them to—to silence their pain, hide their struggle, and bottle up their experience just to maintain your comfort.

This expectation is fueled by a societal framework often built on:

• Shame and Stigma: The idea that struggling is a moral failing.

• Blaming the Victim: The need to find a convenient reason for the pain that absolves others of responsibility.

• Lifelong Suppression: The cultural instruction to "just work, work, work" and distract yourself until your pain turns into deep-seated denial, which eventually becomes a restrictive identity.

This refusal to sit with discomfort is part of a larger, destructive cycle. When people prioritize convenience and silence over facing the truth, that trauma is simply passed down, often for generations, disguised as "toughness" or "the way things are."

The Uncomfortable Clarity of Healing

Healing is terrifying, not because the past is so scary, but because it forces you to see the present with clarity. As you heal, you start to see the world and the people around you as they are, not as you desperately wished them to be.

You begin to recognize the lack of patience, compassion, and empathy in others, especially those who remain safely tucked away in their bubble of good fortune. For many, that genuine understanding only arrives when they, too, experience a deeply traumatic event that shatters their reality.

Until then, many default to making dangerous assumptions:

• If you are silent and look good, you must be good. (The "perfect facade" trap).

• If you talk too much about your pain, you must be doing it for attention. (The "unnecessary burden" judgment).

We must reject this false binary. Trauma healing is a messy, non-linear, and deeply personal responsibility. It takes courage to choose it, and it requires a deeper well of compassion from those around us to honor the journey.

The most inconvenient truth of all? You cannot heal in the same environment that broke you, and you certainly cannot heal on someone else's timeline. You are not a broken object to be fixed; you are a complex being learning to live fully in a body that remembers.

©Lisa King, MS, LPC