The Narcissist’s Army

It is one of the most baffling and maddening aspects of navigating a relationship with a narcissist: their impeccable public image. If you look closely at a narcissist’s inner circle, you won't see a healthy support system based on mutual vulnerability. Instead, you will see something that looks suspiciously like a military unit.

The way a narcissist curates a "cut-throat" support system is a phenomenon that deserves deep scrutiny. To the outside observer, they appear loved and supported. To the survivor, it is clear that this life is built entirely on a foundation of lies.

Here is how the narcissist weaponizes community to protect their illusion.

Soldiers, Not Supporters

Healthy relationships are built on truth, even when it is uncomfortable. Narcissistic alliances, however, are built on loyalty to the lie.

Narcissists do not rally people to their side through honesty. They recruit through manipulation, selective storytelling, and a highly curated performance of victimhood. They possess an uncanny ability to identify empathetic people and exploit their desire to "help." By spinning a narrative where they are the persecuted party, they turn their friends and family into soldiers trained to defend a reality that never actually existed.

Anyone who questions the narrative is not just a skeptic—they become the enemy.

The Architecture of the "Flying Monkey"

In psychological terms, the enablers surrounding a narcissist are often referred to as "flying monkeys" (a nod to The Wizard of Oz). These individuals are often unwittingly manipulated into doing the narcissist’s bidding.

Why do they stay?

• The Illusion of Specialness: The narcissist often makes their enablers feel chosen or special for being "on their side."

• Fear of Retaliation: Deep down, many enablers know that if they stop applauding, the narcissist’s rage will turn on them.

• The Script: They are repeating the script they were fed. Because the narcissist avoids accountability at all costs, the enablers exist to reinforce the delusion that the narcissist is perfect and the victim is the problem.

The Isolation of the Real Victim

While the narcissist is busy conducting their orchestra of enablers, the actual victim is often left isolated and discredited.

This is the most dangerous part of the dynamic. The survivor is not just fighting one person; they are trying to prove reality against a network of people committed to the performance. The narcissist uses their army to run smear campaigns, suggesting the victim is "crazy," "unstable," or "abusive," effectively inoculating their circle against the truth.

It’s Not Love, It’s a Cult

We must stop mistaking a narcissist’s entourage for a support system. A support system holds you accountable when you are wrong and loves you enough to tell you the truth.

What the narcissist builds is a cult of ego. It is a fortress designed to keep shame out and adoration in. They will protect this fantasy at any cost—sacrificing partners, children, and genuine connection just to keep the army loyal.

If you are standing alone because you refused to pledge allegiance to a lie, know this: Solitude with the truth is infinitely better than company in a cult.

References & Further Reading

1. Durvasula, R. (2019). "Don't You Know Who I Am?": How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility. Post Hill Press. (Explains the dynamics of narcissistic systems and enablers).

2. Arabi, S. (2016). Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself. SCW Archer Publishing. (Discusses the "Smear Campaign" and isolation tactics).

3. Simon, G. K. (2010). In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People. Parkhurst Brothers Publishers. (Details the selective storytelling and covert aggression used to rally support).

4. Milgram, S. (1974). Obedience to Authority: An Experimental View. Harper Perennial. (While a general psychology text, this is often referenced regarding how "good" people can be manipulated into doing harm—i.e., acting as flying monkeys—by an authority figure).

©Lisa King, LPC