The Wall of Self-Protection: Why Trauma Leads to Isolation

It can be baffling and deeply painful when someone we care about starts to withdraw. They might stop answering calls, avoid social gatherings, or seemingly cut themselves off from people who love them. For those who have experienced trauma, especially complex trauma (which is repeated or prolonged trauma), this isolation isn't a rejection—it's often a desperate act of self-preservation. The reasons behind this emotional wall are rooted in a deep disruption of their sense of self and safety.

The Loss of Trust and Safety

Trauma, by its very nature, shatters a person's foundational belief that the world is a safe place and that they can rely on others. When this fundamental safety is compromised, the world becomes a threat matrix.

• Who to Trust? They no longer know who is safe or who is dangerous. Friends, partners, and even family members can feel like potential threats. The default setting shifts to suspicion, and avoidance becomes the easiest way to prevent further pain.

• Loss of Control: Trauma is inherently a loss of control over one's life, body, or circumstances. Isolation can be a way to regain a sense of agency—if they stay alone, they control who comes into their space, and therefore, they control the risk.

• Unfair Power Dynamics: Many trauma survivors have been in relationships where there was an unfair power dynamic. Cutting people off is a defensive move against being controlled, minimized, or exploited again. A seemingly erratic shift from job to job, for instance, can sometimes be a subconscious attempt to escape a workplace where they feel voiceless or sense a problematic power dynamic at play.

The Internal Narrative of Shame and Worthlessness

Beyond external threats, survivors often battle a brutal inner critic fueled by trauma.

• Low Self-Esteem and Shame: Trauma can convince a person that they are fundamentally flawed, broken, or worthless. This feeling of shame leads them to believe that their mere presence will burden or damage others. They isolate because they genuinely feel they are unlovable or undeserving of connection.

• Struggles with Intimacy: Knowing how to be close and connected to people—intimacy—is incredibly challenging when you fear vulnerability. Intimacy requires trusting someone with your authentic self, and for a trauma survivor, that self is seen as a liability that could lead to more hurt.

When people in their lives react to their trauma symptoms—such as being emotionally imbalanced at times or acting erratically—by treating them as broken or judging them, it only solidifies this damaging internal narrative.

The Most Harmful Response

If you love someone who has experienced trauma, especially complex trauma, the single worst thing you can do is to cut them out of your life. This action tragically validates the very lie they already tell themselves: that no one truly cares or loves them. Even if you perceive their actions as self-sabotage or difficult to love, abandoning them only deepens their core wounds of isolation and unworthiness. You inadvertently become another person who confirms their fear that they are too much, too broken, or not worth the effort.

How to Be a Healing Presence

The best way to support a loved one with trauma is to educate yourself. Understanding what Post-Traumatic Stress (PTSD) and Complex Post-Traumatic Stress (C-PTSD) are, and how they play out in everyday life, shifts your perspective from judgment to compassion.

Healing happens in connection and vulnerability. Here are better solutions than abandonment:

1. Set Appropriate Boundaries, Not Barriers: You need to protect your own well-being, but setting a boundary is different from cutting someone off. A boundary is, "I can't talk when you're yelling, but I'm ready to listen when things are calm." A barrier is silence. The goal is to set healthy limits while still loving and staying connected.

2. Practice Non-Fixing Presence: Sometimes, the most powerful thing you can do is just sit with them. Do not try to solve their problems or fix the situation. Simply offer quiet company and acceptance. Healing isn't about having a solution; it's about being witnessed and accepted in their pain.

3. Seek Support for Yourself: If you are struggling with how to love and support this person, go to therapy yourself or find a support group for loved ones of trauma survivors. Taking care of your own emotional health and getting expert guidance on navigating complex dynamics is the most effective way to sustain your ability to love them without being overwhelmed.

Unconditional love, sustained connectedness, and non-judgmental acceptance are the antidotes to the isolation and shame that trauma breeds. By choosing education and compassion over abandonment, you become a crucial part of the healing process.

©Lisa King, MS, LPC, NCC