Weaponized Piety: When "Godly" Praise is Actually a Passive-Aggressive Arrow

We have all seen the post. It usually pops up on Facebook or Instagram, written by a parent, a church leader, or a prominent community member. It features a photo of a specific person—a sibling, a friend, or a "loyal" church member—accompanied by a glowing, paragraph-long caption.

The caption usually reads something like this:

> "So proud of this one! They are fiercely loyal, a true prayer warrior who loves God with all their heart. They never waver, they always put the Lord first, and they are such a blessing to our family!"

On the surface, this looks like love. It looks like encouragement. But for those on the receiving end of toxic religious family systems, this post isn’t just praise; it is a weapon. It is a passive-aggressive arrow aimed directly at the people who aren't mentioned—the family members who question, the friends who have set boundaries, or the children who are deconstructing their faith.

This is the subtle art of exclusionary praise, and it is one of the most damaging tools in the arsenal of toxic spirituality.

The Social Media "Triangulation"

In psychology, "triangulation" occurs when a third party (or object/platform) is used to manage anxiety or conflict between two people. In high-control religious groups or dysfunctional families, social media becomes the triangle.

Instead of communicating directly with the person they disagree with, the toxic individual uses public praise of a "compliant" person to signal what is acceptable. By loudly celebrating the person who "follows the rules," they are silently shaming the person who does not.

The subtext of the "Godly Praise" post is clear:

• To the Compliant Child: "You are safe and loved because you mirror my beliefs and make me look good."

• To the Scapegoated/Dissenting Child: "You are invisible. Your worth is conditional. Until you return to this specific version of 'godliness,' you do not belong."

This allows the poster to maintain a facade of benevolence ("I’m just encouraging someone!") while actively causing pain to others. It is a way to aim an arrow without ever having to admit you are holding a bow.

The Roots of People-Pleasing: "Looking Good" vs. "Being Good"

This dynamic doesn't start with social media; it starts in the nursery/playroom.

When a child grows up in a system where love is doled out as a reward for spiritual performance, they internalize a dangerous message: "I am not worthy simply because I exist. I am worthy because of how I behave."

Alice Miller, in her seminal work, ‘The Drama of the Gifted Child,’ describes how children suppress their true feelings and needs to satisfy the parents' need for validation. In religious contexts, this creates a split between:

1. Looking Good: Performing the rituals, saying the "Christianese" buzzwords, showing up to every event, and being "fiercely loyal" to the institution/parent.

2. Being Good: Authentic integrity, kindness, emotional honesty, and internal morality.

Toxic religious systems often value Looking Good (compliance) over Being Good (authenticity). The child learns that to get the dopamine hit of parental praise (and by extension, God’s approval), they must suppress their doubts, their unique personality, and their autonomy. They become "people pleasers" not because they are naturally helpful, but because they are terrified of the withdrawal of love.

The Myth of "Fierce Loyalty"

The specific language often used in these posts—"fiercely loyal," "never wavers," "sold out for Jesus"—is telling. In healthy relationships, loyalty is mutual and allows for disagreement. In toxic systems, "loyalty" is often code for "compliance."

When a parent praises a child for being "fiercely loyal" on social media, they are often praising that child’s willingness to not rock the boat. They are celebrating the lack of boundaries.

This leaves the "black sheep"—the one who asked hard questions, the one who left the church to save their mental health, or the one who set a boundary with a toxic parent—on the outside. They see the post and feel the sting of rejection. They realize that in this system, you are only as valuable as your utility to the family narrative.

Moving Toward Emotional Maturity

The antidote to this weaponized piety is emotional maturity.

Emotionally mature people—whether parents, leaders, or friends—do not need everyone around them to be carbon copies of themselves to feel safe. They understand that a person’s worth is inherent, not earned through theological alignment.

What does healthy acceptance look like?

• It creates space for difference: You can disagree with someone’s theology or lifestyle and still treat them with dignity, warmth, and inclusion.

• It avoids comparison: Praise is given to celebrate the individual’s unique character, not to reinforce a hierarchy of "who is doing it right."

• It values authenticity over performance: It recognizes that a person who is honestly struggling is healthier than a person who is dishonestly performing.

Conclusion: You Are Worthy (No Performance Required)

If you have ever felt the sting of the "exclusionary praise" post, or if you have realized that your childhood was a long audition for your parents' religious approval, know this:

You do not need to perform to be worthy of love.

True goodness is not about having the right image, the right theology, or the right public praise. It is about the courage to be your authentic self. The most "godly" thing we can offer one another is not a performance of perfection, but the grace to let people be exactly who they are—without the passive-aggressive arrows.

References & Further Reading

1. Miller, A. (1981). The Drama of the Gifted Child: The Search for the True Self. Basic Books. (Explores how children sacrifice their true selves to gratify their parents' needs).

2. Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. Jason Aronson. (For concepts regarding "Triangulation" and "Differentiation of Self").

3. Brown, B. (2010). The Gifts of Imperfection. Hazelden Publishing. (Discusses the difference between "fitting in" (changing yourself to be accepted) and "belonging" (being accepted for who you are).

4. Forward, S. (1989). Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life. Bantam. (Addresses the dynamics of conditional love and parental control).