When the Reaction Doesn’t Match the Moment: Understanding Triggers and Unhealed Wounds

Have you ever found yourself exploding in anger over a dirty dish left in the sink? Or perhaps a coworker offered a minor critique, and you suddenly felt a wave of crushing shame or intense irritation that lasted for hours?

In the aftermath, you might look back and think, “Why did I react like that? The situation didn’t warrant that level of emotion.”

When our reaction to a situation is significantly bigger than what the situation calls for, it is rarely about the person standing in front of us. It is almost always a signal from our nervous system that a deeper, unhealed wound has been touched.

It’s Not About the Present; It’s About the Past

There is a saying in the therapy world: "If it's hysterical, it's historical." This doesn't mean you are being "hysterical" in a derogatory way; it means that an overwhelming emotional response is usually tied to history, not just the present moment.

These overreactions often happen when we are around specific people or environments that remind us of past pain. When we are faced with interactions that mimic the dynamics where we were hurt—specifically environments where we felt unsafe, unseen, or unheard—our brains stop responding to the present reality and start reacting to the past trauma.

The person standing in front of you might have made a careless comment, but your body perceives it as a threat. You aren't just annoyed; you feel dismissed, unseen, invalidated, targeted, or like no one cares about you.

The Mechanism of Projection

When these wounds are triggered, we often project our internal pain onto the external person. We might think, "They are doing this to hurt me," or "They don't respect me."

While the other person’s behavior might indeed be annoying, the intensity of our rage or despair belongs to the younger version of us who was actually powerless. If we don’t realize this, we end up fighting a battle from ten years ago with a person who is standing in the room today.

Examples of Triggered Reactions

• The Example of "Being Unseen":

• The Situation: Your partner looks at their phone while you are telling a story.

• The Reaction: You feel a surge of rage and storm out of the room, feeling unlovable.

• The Wound: This interaction mimics a childhood dynamic where a parent consistently ignored your emotional needs. The phone isn't the problem; the feeling of being invisible is.

• The Example of "Clarification vs. Criticism":

• The Situation: A boss asks, "Did you double-check this report?"

• The Reaction: You feel targeted and attacked, perhaps snapping back defensively.

• The Wound: This triggers a past experience with a critical authority figure where nothing you did was ever good enough.

Taking Your Power Back

The goal is not to never be triggered again—that is impossible. The goal is to move from reacting (automatic defense) to responding (conscious choice). We must stop projecting our past onto our present and start advocating for ourselves.

Here is how to shift the dynamic:

1. Pause and Look Inward

Instead of focusing on what the other person did, ask yourself: "What is happening inside me right now?" Acknowledge the feeling without letting it drive the car. Remind yourself: "I am safe. This is an old feeling."

2. Ask Clarifying Questions

Our triggers often write stories that aren't true (e.g., "They hate me"). Before you react to the story in your head, fact-check reality.

• Try saying: "Can you help me understand what you meant by that?"

• Try saying: "I'm interpreting your silence as anger. Is that accurate, or are you just thinking?"

3. Advocate and De-escalate

There is immense power in verbalizing your state. It takes the shame out of the trigger and allows you to set a boundary.

• Try saying: "I’m realizing I’m feeling triggered right now. It has more to do with my past than this conversation, but do you mind if I step away for a moment? I want to de-escalate my feelings so I have more control over how I respond."

Conclusion

We cannot control what anyone else does. We cannot control if people are rude, forgetful, or critical. However, we can control how we interpret those actions and how we respond to them.

By recognizing that big reactions point to deep wounds, we stop being victims of our impulses. We begin to heal the part of us that was hurt, and in doing so, we show up to our relationships as our true, adult selves.

References & Further Reading

• Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking. (Explains how the body retains the memory of past wounds and reacts in the present).

• Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving. Azure Coyote Publishing. (Excellent resource on "Emotional Flashbacks" and why we react strongly to triggers).

• Frankl, V. E. (1946). Man’s Search for Meaning. Beacon Press. (Famous for the concept: "Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response.")

• Maté, G. (2011). When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress. Vintage Canada. (Discusses the physiological connection between emotional suppression and reactivity).

©Lisa King, LPC