Why Making Everyone the Villain Keeps Us Stuck

When you have experienced complex trauma (C-PTSD), your brain becomes a master at detecting threats. It is a brilliant, biological survival mechanism.

To survive the chaos of the past, we often had to categorize people quickly: Safe or Unsafe? Friend or Enemy? Good or Bad?

In the midst of trauma, this black-and-white thinking is a shield. It keeps us alive. But when we are trying to move from surviving to thriving, that same shield becomes a cage.

One of the hardest truths to accept in recovery is that viewing everyone who hurts us as an intentional "enemy" can actually stunt our growth. It keeps us locked in a defensive crouch, unable to stand tall and live the life we deserve.

The Myth of the Malicious Villain

When we are deep in our wounds, it is easy to assume that when someone hurts us, they are doing it with precision and malice. We think, “If they loved me, they wouldn’t do this.” Therefore, if they do it, they must hate me.

But the reality of human relationships is rarely that simple.

The truth is, people hurt us. Sometimes it is intentional, but often, it is unintentional. Many of the people who have caused us pain are walking around with their own unhealed wounds. They aren't necessarily waking up in the morning plotting to ruin our day. Rather, they are so consumed by their own unresolved pain that they cannot see yours.

There is a saying in therapy circles: "If you don't heal what hurt you, you'll bleed on people who didn't cut you."

Many of the "villains" in our stories are simply people bleeding out on everyone around them. They lack the emotional maturity or the self-awareness to realize they need healing. Their focus is so turned inward on their own survival that they unintentionally trample on our boundaries.

Embracing the "Gray"

Trauma loves binaries. It whispers to us: “They are either 100% for you, or they are 100% against you.”

But life is not black-and-white. It is a messy, complicated spectrum of gray.

• Good people can do bad things.

• People with toxic traits can have moments of genuine kindness.

• Someone can love you deeply and still be incapable of meeting your emotional needs.

When we refuse to see the gray, we stay stuck in a cycle of anger and betrayal. We wait for people to become perfect, or we write them off entirely. Living in the gray means accepting reality: This person has hurt me. They may not have meant to, but the impact was real. They are human, flawed, and perhaps unhealed.

Explanation is Not Permission

Now, this is the crucial distinction: Understanding why someone hurts you does not mean you have to tolerate it.

Recognizing that someone is "bleeding out" because of their own trauma gives you context, but it does not give them a pass. It doesn't mean we give people permission to continue hurting us just because they haven't done their own work. However, it changes our role in the dynamic.

If we view them as an evil villain, we stay in the role of the victim, waiting for them to change or apologize so we can feel better. We stew in resentment, feeling dismissed, invalidated, and misunderstood.

If we view them as flawed, unhealed humans, we can step into the role of the observer and protector of our own peace. We can say, "I see that you are hurting and acting out, but I will not let you act out on me."

Moving From "Wound-Focus" to "Healing-Focus"

Staying angry requires a lot of energy. Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

To live out the best version of ourselves, we have to stop focusing on their wounds (and why they inflicted them) and start focusing on our healing.

We are not responsible for what was done to us, but we are 100% responsible for our healing. This is the shift that changes everything.

• Wound-Focus: Asking "Why did they do this?" "How could they be so cruel?" "I need them to understand my pain."

• Healing-Focus: Asking "What do I need right now to feel safe?" "How can I validate myself?" "How do I build a life that feels good, regardless of what they do?"

Healing gives us clarity. It allows us to step out of the fog of anger and see the board clearly. It helps us realize that we can’t control others' growth, but we can absolutely cultivate our own.

You deserve a life defined not by the people who hurt you, but by the resilience you built in the aftermath. Don't let the shadow of the "enemy" block the light of the future you are building.

Recommended Reading & References

If you are ready to navigate the complexities of healing, toxic dynamics, and moving forward, these resources are excellent places to start:

On Complex Trauma and Healing:

• "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" by Pete Walker. (An essential guide for understanding emotional flashbacks and the "inner critic.")

• "The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma" by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D.

On Understanding Unhealed People & Family Systems:

• "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD. (Vital for understanding how parents can "bleed" on their children due to their own lack of growth.)

• "It Didn't Start with You: How Inherited Family Trauma Shapes Who We Are and How to End the Cycle" by Mark Wolynn.

On Boundaries and Healthy Dynamics:

• "Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself" by Nedra Glover Tawwab. (A practical guide to stopping the "bleed" from others.)

• "Whole Again: Healing Your Heart and Rediscovering Your True Self After Toxic Relationships and Emotional Abuse" by Jackson MacKenzie.