Why You and Your Siblings Didn’t Have the Same Parents

One of the most invalidating phrases a person can hear during a family conflict is, "That never happened," or "You’re imagining things; Mom and Dad weren’t like that with me."

It is a source of immense confusion and pain when siblings—people who lived at the same address, ate at the same table, and share the same DNA—have diametrically opposed memories of their childhood.

How can one sibling remember a warm, supportive home while another remembers chaos, neglect, or strict authoritarianism?

The answer lies in a psychological truth that is often overlooked: No two children ever grow up in the same family.

While the physical structure of the house may remain the same, the emotional architecture changes constantly. You did not have the same parents as your siblings because your parents were different people at different times, and you were a different child.

The Shifting Sands of Parenthood

Parents are not static figures; they are human beings subject to the tides of life. The version of your parents that raised your oldest sibling is often radically different from the version that raised the youngest. Several key factors contribute to this "differential parenting":

• The Marital Dynamic: A child born during the "honeymoon phase" of a marriage experiences a completely different emotional climate than a child born during a period of marital strife, infidelity, or divorce.

• Economic Stability: Financial stress is a massive regulator of the nervous system. A child raised during a parent’s peak career struggle may experience stressed, absent, or anxious parents. A sibling born ten years later, after the parents have achieved financial security, may get parents who are more present, relaxed, and generous.

• Personal Growth (or Stagnation): Are the parents doing their own work? Some parents mellow and grow wise with age, learning from early mistakes. Others become more rigid, bitter, or "stunted" in their emotional growth. A child may experience a parent who is actively healing, while a sibling experienced that same parent when they were deep in untreated trauma.

The Child’s Unique Lens

It isn't just the parents who change; the receiver of the parenting is different, too.

• Temperament: Every child is born with a unique nervous system. A sensitive, highly reactive child might perceive a loud household as traumatic, while a more resilient or easy-going sibling might perceive the same noise as "fun" or simply ignore it.

• External Influences: The era in which you grow up matters. Experiences at school, bullying, the political climate, and the friends you make all color your perception of safety.

• Gender Expectations: Even in modern families, gender plays a role. Parents often unconsciously project different expectations onto sons versus daughters regarding achievement, emotional expression, and caretaking.

The Birth Order Effect

Perhaps the most structural influence on a child's experience is birth order. This dictates where you fit in the family hierarchy and often determines the "role" you are assigned.

The Eldest Child: The Draft Pick

The firstborn is the "experimental" child. Parents are often at their most anxious and strict with the eldest because they have never done this before.

• The Experience: They often carry the weight of high expectations and perfectionism.

• Gender Nuance: If the eldest is female, she is frequently "parentified"—expected to care for younger siblings and manage the emotional temperature of the room. If the eldest is male, he may carry the pressure of carrying on the family name or achieving what the father could not, but may be excused from domestic emotional labor.

The Middle Child: The Diplomat or The Rebel

The middle child enters a world that is already occupied. They do not have the sole attention of the parents (like the eldest did) and they are never the "baby."

• The Experience: To carve out an identity, middle children often become masters of negotiation and reading the room. However, if the eldest is the "Star" and the youngest is the "Pet," the middle child can feel invisible. This can lead to a sense of neglect, or conversely, a drive to be the "rebel" just to be seen as different from the "perfect" older sibling.

The Youngest Child: The Baby

By the time the youngest arrives, parents are often exhausted, more financially stable, or simply less concerned with strict rules.

• The Experience: The youngest often gets away with things the eldest never could. While they may receive more affection and fewer chores, they also risk being taken less seriously. Their opinions may be dismissed because "they're just the baby," leading to a struggle for autonomy and respect in adulthood.

Why We Talk Past Each Other

This is why reconnecting with siblings as adults can be fraught with tension. When you express pain about your upbringing, your sibling isn’t necessarily gaslighting you when they say, "I don't remember that." They are reporting their reality, which was fundamentally different from yours.

Dr. Gabor Maté, a renowned expert on trauma and addiction, has spoken extensively on this paradox. He argues that in any given family, children are not raised in the same environment. He notes that parents’ stress levels, the quality of their relationship, and their capacity for emotional attunement fluctuate over time.

Maté emphasizes that trauma is not just what happens to you, but what happens inside you. Because two children have different temperaments and are treated differently based on birth order and timing, one child may internalize a family dynamic as traumatic rejection, while another internalizes it as normal annoyance.

Conclusion

If your experience of your childhood is different from your siblings', it does not make you a liar, and it doesn't make you "crazy." It makes you an individual.

Healing often involves accepting that your truth does not require your siblings' consensus to be valid.

You walked a different path, faced different versions of your parents, and survived different challenges. Honoring that difference is the first step toward validating your own story.

References

• Maté, G. (2019). Scattered Minds: The Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder. Vermilion. (See discussion on the multi-generational transmission of stress and how environmental factors impact children differently).

• Maté, G., & Maté, D. (2022). The Myth of Normal: Trauma, Illness, and Healing in a Toxic Culture. Avery. (Exploration of how parental stress and unresolved trauma shape the developmental environment of each child uniquely).

• Adler, A. (1927). Understanding Human Nature. Garden City Publishing. (Foundational theories on birth order and the "family constellation").

• Sulloway, F. J. (1996). Born to Rebel: Birth Order, Family Dynamics, and Creative Lives. Pantheon. (Analysis of how birth order shapes personality and worldview).