Growing Up vs. Growing Older: Unpacking Dr. Gordon Neufeld’s Six Stages of Attachment

When we talk about attachment, we often think of it as a binary switch: a child is either attached, or they aren't. We tend to associate it with infants—holding a baby so they feel safe. While that is the foundation, developmental psychologist Dr. Gordon Neufeld argues that attachment is far more complex and dynamic. It is not just about physical proximity; it is the womb of psychological maturation.

Dr. Neufeld’s model suggests that children do not just "grow up" because time passes. They grow up because they can rest in the security of a deepening relationship.

The Six Stages of Attachment

Unlike traditional attachment theories that often focus heavily on the first year of life, Neufeld outlines a six-stage hierarchy of attachment that unfolds over the first six years. Each stage provides a deeper, more vulnerable way for the child to hold on to the parent.

1. Senses (Birth+)

This is the most primitive form of attachment. The child needs to be in the physical presence of the caregiver. They attach through touch, smell, sight, and hearing. If the parent walks out of the room, the child feels a loss of contact.

• The goal: Physical proximity.

2. Sameness (Age 2+)

Around age two, the child begins to attach by imitation. You see a toddler mimick their parent’s walk, talk, or mannerisms. By being like you, they feel connected to you.

• The goal: "I am like you, therefore I belong to you."

3. Belonging and Loyalty (Age 3+)

Here, the child becomes possessive. They claim the parent ("My mommy!" "My daddy!"). Along with this possessiveness comes loyalty; the child wants to take the parent's side and obey them to keep the connection intact.

• The goal: To belong to a specific person.

4. Significance (Age 4+)

The child begins to seek approval. They want to matter to the parent. You will hear, "Look at me!" constantly. They attach by feeling significant in the eyes of their caregiver. They need to know the parent’s eyes light up when they enter the room.

• The goal: To be dear and special to the attachment figure.

5. Love (Age 5+)

This is the stage of emotional intimacy. The child gives their heart to the parent. It is a warm, affectionate, and vulnerable love. It is here that the child truly falls in love with the caregiver, allowing for deeper influence.

• The goal: Emotional closeness and vulnerability.

6. Being Known (Age 6+)

The pinnacle of attachment is psychological intimacy. The child feels safe enough to share their secrets and their true self without fear of judgment or separation. They attach by having their mind and heart understood by the parent.

• The goal: To be fully known and fully accepted.

The Fruit of Healthy Attachment: The Freedom to Grow

When a child successfully navigates these stages, they achieve what Neufeld calls "Rest."

When a child is absolutely convinced that their connection to the parent is secure—that they are seen, known, and cherished—they stop working for love. Their brain can switch from "seeking attachment" to "exploring the world."

Healthy attachment leads to:

• Emergent Energy: The child becomes curious, independent, and eager to try new things.

• Viability: They develop a separate self, capable of holding their own beliefs and values.

• Resilience: Because they have a safe harbor (the parent) to return to, they can weather the storms of peer rejection or failure.

The Cost of Disconnection: From Child Gap to Adult Wound

When attachment is disrupted—whether through neglect, trauma, or simply peer-orientation (where children attach to peers rather than adults)—the maturation process halts. Neufeld famously states, "We can only grow when we are at rest."

If a child must constantly work to keep the parent's attention, or if they get stuck at a shallow stage (like only attaching through "sameness" or "senses"), they develop defensive mechanisms that carry into adulthood.

The "Alpha Complex"

When a child senses the parent is not in charge or is not safe to depend on, the child instinctively takes the lead. They become the "Alpha."

• In Childhood: This looks like the "bossy" child, the child who refuses to be told what to do, or the child who must control their environment to feel safe.

• The Adult Wound: These adults often struggle to trust others. They may be domineering in relationships, unable to ask for help, and terrified of vulnerability. They are exhausted because they have been "in charge" of their own survival since childhood.

Defensive Detachment

If the vulnerability of needing love hurts too much, the brain shuts it down. The child "numbs out" to protect their heart.

• In Childhood: The child appears indifferent, "doesn't care" about consequences, or lacks empathy for others.

• The Adult Wound: This manifests as avoidant attachment. The adult may sabotage relationships when they get too deep (Stage 5 or 6). They may struggle with intimacy, feeling that being "known" is dangerous. They may live entirely in their heads, disconnected from their emotions.

Stuck in "Sameness"

If a person arrests at the second stage of attachment, they never develop a true sense of self.

• The Adult Wound: This is the chameleon adult. They constantly shift their personality to match the person they are dating or the group they are with. They have no strong sense of identity because their safety relies on being like others rather than being themselves.

Conclusion

Dr. Neufeld’s work reminds us that independence is actually the fruit of dependence. We cannot push a child (or ourselves) into maturity; we can only provide the fertile soil of relationship in which maturity grows.

For adults recognizing these wounds in themselves, the hope lies in the plasticity of the brain. We can earn "security" later in life through therapeutic relationships and conscious reparenting, moving slowly from the safety of proximity toward the risk of being fully known.

References & Further Reading

1. Neufeld, G., & Maté, G. (2004). Hold On to Your Kids: Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers. Knopf Canada. (This is the primary text outlining the six stages and the concept of peer orientation).

2. Neufeld Institute. (n.d.). The Neufeld Approach. Retrieved from Neufeld Institute Website.

3. Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development. Basic Books. (For foundational context on attachment theory).

©Lisa King, LPC