Reclaiming Your Space: Setting Healthy Boundaries After Trauma

As a mental health therapist, I often work with individuals on their journey of healing from trauma. One of the most powerful and transformative steps in this process is learning to set healthy boundaries. Trauma can often blur the lines of our personal space, making it difficult to recognize and assert our needs. But here’s the good news: reclaiming your boundaries is a vital act of self-love and a cornerstone of lasting recovery.

Imagine a fence around your home. It’s there to protect your property, to define where your space begins and ends, and to allow you to decide who comes in and when. Healthy boundaries are much like that fence for your emotional and physical well-being. They are guidelines and rules we establish to protect ourselves from being manipulated, used, or violated.

For those recovering from trauma, the concept of boundaries can feel particularly challenging. Trauma often involves a breach of trust, a feeling of powerlessness, and a blurring of personal limits. This can lead to a tendency to people-please, to avoid conflict at all costs, or to feel guilty about saying “no.” However, understanding that setting boundaries isn’t selfish, but rather an act of self-preservation, is a crucial shift in perspective.

Here are some key aspects of setting healthy boundaries, especially for those navigating trauma recovery:

1. Recognize Your Needs and Limits

Before you can communicate your boundaries, you need to understand them yourself. Take time for self-reflection. What makes you feel overwhelmed, disrespected, or drained? What energizes you? What are your non-negotiables? This self-awareness is your compass.

• Example: You might realize that after a long day, you need at least an hour of quiet time alone to decompress. Your limit might be that you cannot engage in emotionally heavy conversations late at night.

2. Communicate Clearly and Directly

Once you know your boundaries, articulate them. Be firm, but also kind. Avoid apologizing for your needs. Remember, you have a right to your personal space and well-being.

• Example: Instead of “I’m so sorry, but I guess I can’t really talk right now,” try, “I can’t have this conversation right now, but I’m happy to talk about it tomorrow morning.”

• Example: If a friend consistently overstays their welcome, you might say, “I’ve really enjoyed our time, and I need to start winding down for the evening now.”

3. Start Small and Build Up

If boundary-setting feels daunting, begin with smaller, less confrontational situations. This can help build your confidence and strengthen your “boundary muscle.”

• Example: Start by saying “no” to an extra task at work if you’re already feeling overwhelmed, rather than tackling a deeply ingrained family dynamic right away.

4. Be Consistent

Boundaries are not a one-time declaration; they require consistent reinforcement. People might test your boundaries, especially if they are used to you operating differently. Holding firm is essential for them to understand and respect your limits.

• Example: If you’ve set a boundary about not discussing a particular sensitive topic, consistently redirect the conversation if it comes up. “As I’ve mentioned, I’m not comfortable discussing that. Let’s talk about something else.”

5. Understand That “No” is a Complete Sentence

You don’t always need to provide lengthy explanations or justifications for your boundaries. “No” is a perfectly valid and complete response.

• Example: When asked to do something you don’t want to do, a simple, “No, I won’t be able to do that” is often sufficient.

6. Boundary Examples in Action for Trauma Survivors:

For those recovering from trauma, specific boundaries can be particularly healing:

• Protecting Your Energy: Trauma recovery is taxing. Setting boundaries around your energy output is vital.

• Example: “I can only commit to one social event this week to ensure I have enough time for myself.”

• Example: “I need to limit my exposure to news and social media to manage my anxiety.”

• Limiting Discussions of Traumatic Events: You have the right to decide who, when, and how you discuss your trauma.

• Example: “I appreciate you asking, but I’m not ready to talk about that right now.”

• Example: “I prefer not to discuss the details of my past with you.”

• Physical Boundaries: Reclaiming your physical space is paramount.

• Example: “I’m not comfortable with hugs right now, but a handshake would be great.”

• Example: “Please don’t touch my belongings without asking.”

• Time Boundaries: Trauma can make you feel like your time isn’t your own.

• Example: “I can only chat for 15 minutes right now as I have another commitment.”

• Example: “I won’t be checking work emails after 6 PM.”

• Emotional Boundaries: Protecting your emotional well-being from others’ projections or overwhelming demands.

• Example: “I hear you’re going through a lot, but I’m not able to take on any more emotional load today.”

• Example: “I need to step away from this conversation because it’s becoming too intense for me.”

Setting boundaries is a journey, not a destination. It takes practice, self-compassion, and sometimes, the support of a therapist. Remember, you are worthy of respect, and you have the right to create a life that feels safe, nurturing, and truly your own. Each boundary you set is a step further in reclaiming your power and fostering profound healing.

©Lisa King, MS, LPC, NCC