Finding My Way Back: A Personal Journey Through Depression
- lisakinglpc1
- Nov 12
- 4 min read
Christmas 1991 - I am severely depressed.
The word “depression” is often used casually—to describe a bad day or a low mood. But for those of us who have lived through the heavy reality of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), we know it is far more than just "feeling down." It is a weight, a disconnect, and a profound, life-altering struggle. This is my journey.
The First Shadow: A College Freshman’s Secret
My first significant bout of depression hit me when I was a freshman in college. My parents were living overseas, and I was in Texas, going to school without the reliable support system that most freshmen lean on. My closest relative, my grandmother, was two hours away.
For the first month, I was fine. But slowly, a shadow crept in. My energy levels plummeted, and a deep, isolating loneliness set in. Simple things became almost impossible. My coping mechanism became avoidance: I started sleeping. I would take naps, then I started skipping classes and sleeping most of the day. When I was awake, I often overate. Everything required immense, soul-crushing effort. At the time, I had no self-awareness. I didn’t know this was depression. I just thought I didn’t like school.
Functional Depression: The Mask I Wore
One of the most insidious aspects of depression is how well some people hide it—a state often referred to as functional depression. We get through the day, go to work, even manage to put a smile on our faces. Yet, deep inside, we carry a suffocating heaviness. We feel profoundly disconnected from everyone, living a life that feels robotic, as if we are watching ourselves go through the motions from the outside. The hopelessness is real, even when we appear successful.
My 20s brought another wave, this time fueled by a toxic relationship that began to infect every part of my life. Without the tools to cope or the language to talk about my pain, I checked out again. Sleeping became my ultimate form of avoidance. I would call into work sick, only to sleep the entire day away.
Once again, the world felt overwhelming and impossible. The simple thought of having to socialize, to put on the happy mask, was too much.
It was years later, after finally seeking evaluation, that my condition was correctly identified as Major Depressive Disorder. Knowing what it was didn't fix it, but it was the first step toward understanding and treatment.
Postpartum Depression: The Guilt and the Regret
My history with depression made me particularly vulnerable when I became a mother. Postpartum Depression (PPD) is not a condition to be taken lightly; it is a serious, debilitating illness that demands treatment, especially for those with a pre-existing history of MDD.
The mental battle of PPD is compounded by intense guilt. Mothers are supposed to feel connected, joyful, and involved, but PPD steals that desire and ability. I struggled immensely to find the energy and desire to adequately care for my children. To this day, I carry regrets about those early years, knowing that my depression affected them. It is not a failure of character; it is an illness.
As my children have gotten older, we have openly talked about mental health, and they understand so much more. This open dialogue has been healing, proving that the conversation about mental health is vital for the whole family.
Why We Must Talk About It
We must stop dismissing depression. The word may be overused, but the disease itself is under-treated and often minimized. Ignoring or downplaying it is lethal, especially considering the dangerous blend of depression and anxiety. When these two conditions mix, the lethality increases; the anxiety provides the agitated energy, and the hopelessness of depression provides the final motivation. We cannot afford to whisper about this. We must talk openly to normalize help-seeking behavior.
How to Support Someone Living with Depression
Supporting a loved one with depression requires patience, empathy, and the right approach.
✅ What to Say:
• “I hear you. I’m sorry you’re feeling this way.” Validate their feelings.
• “I’m here for you, and I’m not going anywhere.” Offer simple, unconditional presence.
• “What is the one small thing I can do for you today?” Offer specific, actionable help (e.g., “Can I bring you a meal?” or “Can I watch the kids for an hour?”).
• “It takes so much strength just to get out of bed. I see how hard you’re fighting.” Acknowledge their effort.
🚫 What Not to Say:
• “Just snap out of it” or “Try to look on the bright side.” This minimizes their pain and suggests they choose to feel this way.
• “You have nothing to be sad about.” This focuses on external circumstances and ignores the internal chemical/biological reality of the illness.
• “Other people have it worse.” This induces shame and guilt.
• “Are you taking your medication?” Unless you are their doctor, keep this out of the conversation. Focus on their well-being, not their treatment regimen.
Depression is an ongoing battle that requires vigilance, treatment, and self-compassion. My hope is that by sharing my story, others will feel seen, and we can continue to chip away at the stigma surrounding mental health struggles, so no one has to suffer in silence.
📚 References and Resources
• National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH): For general information on Major Depressive Disorder.
• Postpartum Support International (PSI): Excellent resource for mothers and families dealing with PPD.
• Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) National Helpline: A free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders.
Call: 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
• The 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: For anyone in the U.S. experiencing a mental health-related distress.
Call or Text: 988
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