Cracks in the Formation: How to Let the Light In After Trauma

Trauma fundamentally changes our architecture. It convinces us that the world is a dangerous place, and our only hope is to become impenetrable. So, we build a wall—a towering, silent fortress of protection, avoidance, and emotional distance.

This wall, built rock by painful rock, seems necessary. It guards the fragile, hurt person inside. But over time, it becomes less a sanctuary and more a prison, keeping out not just pain, but also connection, intimacy, and the beautiful, messy unpredictability of life.

The common advice is often to "tear down the wall," but for survivors, that suggestion can feel terrifying and impossible. It suggests going from 100% guarded to 0% guarded overnight. The truth is, healing doesn't start with a wrecking ball; it starts with finding the cracks in the formation.

From Fortress to Foundation: The Power of the Cracks

You don't have to demolish your defenses to start living. Instead, you can focus on cultivating life in the small spaces where your wall has already begun to weaken. These cracks are where light can enter and where growth can take root.

This approach is about gradual, manageable exposure to vulnerability—it's about seeing your wall not as a failure to be destroyed, but as a structure that needs new windows and doors.

Here is how you can intentionally create and utilize those small openings:

1. Identify the Smallest Safe Space

Tearing down the wall means revealing the core vulnerability. Finding a crack means choosing a low-stakes area to practice.

• The Action: Instead of confessing your deepest fear to a new acquaintance, try sharing a small, personal preference (like your actual favorite, slightly embarrassing movie) or admitting you feel slightly awkward in a social situation.

• The Lesson: This builds a tiny muscle of low-risk vulnerability. You learn that sharing a piece of your authentic self—even a small one—doesn't lead to catastrophe. This is your first window.

2. Practice "Delayed Recoil"

When you feel yourself recoil from a moment of connection—that sudden urge to shut down or push someone away—don't follow the impulse immediately.

• The Action: A friend offers genuine praise, and your instinct is to deflect or argue ("No, that was nothing!"). Instead, simply take a breath and say, "Thank you. I appreciate that." Let the positive feeling linger for just ten seconds before shifting the subject.

• The Lesson: You are consciously allowing a "beautiful thing" (validation, warmth) to penetrate a crack in your wall. This trains your system to tolerate good feelings, which can often be just as activating as bad feelings when your trauma response is dominant.

3. Seek "Life Before Connection"

The need for perfection often fuels the wall. We wait to feel 100% safe, 100% ready, or 100% healed before we allow connection. You can bypass this perfectionism by focusing on simple presence.

• The Action: Sit with a trusted person—a friend, family member, or partner—and do not talk about anything deep or challenging. Just watch a movie, read in the same room, or work on separate projects side-by-side.

• The Lesson: This teaches you to tolerate calm, quiet connection. The beauty isn't in the shared emotion, but in the peaceful co-existence. This is the first flower growing in the soil around your fortress: a sense of unconditional belonging.

4. Create an Inventory of the Unhurt

Trauma often makes us believe that everything in our lives is tainted. To find the cracks, you must locate the pieces of yourself and your life that remain intact.

• The Action: Write down three things you love about your life right now that do not depend on anyone else's approval. (e.g., The smell of coffee in the morning, the feeling of sun on my skin, the satisfaction of a clean desk.)

• The Lesson: When a difficult emotional conversation arises, you can mentally retreat to this inventory. It provides an inner sanctuary that reminds you: "I am still safe. Not all of me is exposed." This self-soothing resource strengthens the foundation, making you less reliant on the defensive wall when things get tough.

Healing is a process of small permissions. You don't have to dismantle the whole structure at once. You only need to choose one small crack today, and allow one tiny, beautiful, unexpected thing—a moment of peace, a sincere compliment, a shared laugh—to finally enter.

©Lisa King, MS, LPC, NCC